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Subscribe to RSSWhen you discuss finances with your partner, do you feel as though you’re talking from opposite sides of a stadium? If so, you’re far from alone.
Everyone who’s ever squirmed through a money conversation with a loved one knows that differing opinions can be challenging — at best. In fact, according to a nationwide survey conducted by LearnVest and TD Ameritrade, money is one of the top marital stressors.
As sensitive as financial issues can be, they can also build trust. The survey found that at least 60 percent of married people trust their partners to manage their finances — a number that rises to 70 percent among couples in their 60s and up.
Financial awareness grows alongside trust, but more dramatically. The survey also showed that just a quarter of couples aged 18-35 has a clear picture of each other’s income and debt, but 60 percent of baby boomers clearly understand their financial footing.
So how can you and your spouse make opposite money perspectives a source of strength rather than friction? For one, communication is crucial. Even when you trust your spouse’s financial management, be sure to have candid, regular discussions about money matters.
Related: Pinpoint Your Financial Personalities With the Getting Hitched Bootcamp
To show how it can be done, three couples at different points in their lives divulge how they deal with opposite approaches to money — and how these differences can even bring partners closer.
Colby and Nick Peters, Annapolis, Md.
Colby and Nick, both in their early 30s, have been married for three years. Despite Nick’s conservative financial outlook and Colby’s carefree spending, they’ve managed to reach a happy medium. “Our financial personalities have changed to meet in the middle,” Colby says.
Each month, the couple, reviews their accounts and upcoming expenses. Nick also checks his bank balances once a week, and he gets anxious if he dips into his savings. “Colby reassures me that everything is fine, and she’s right,” he explains. “Allowing for the occasional splurge isn’t the end of the world.”
Nick cites his first credit card as an indelible lesson: It had a $1,500 limit —a purposefully low amount that helped him avoid overspending. And he has kept that limit ever since. When Colby met Nick, she carried about $10,000 in credit-card debt, but she steadily paid it off. She also adopted a similarly low credit-limit plan, which curbed her impulse spending on clothes and restaurants.
Related: 6 Ways to Combine Finances With Your Partner
So far, they’ve kept separate accounts — but with a baby on the way, they may combine them. They’re confident that, with open discussion and emotional support, they can weather the larger financial decisions that lie ahead. “I am very honest about my finances, regardless of any embarrassment I might feel, because I value being truthful with Nick,” Colby says.
Janice and Jason Christensen, Chicago
During 17 years of marriage, Janice and Jason discovered the importance of collaborative financial decision-making, especially while living on a single salary.
For a decade, Janice stayed home to raise their three children, and she struggled with feelings of guilt and powerlessness because she didn’t have her own income. She was used to spending freely on gifts and clothes, so she needed to rein in her budget, while her thriftier husband focused on ways to save, such as refinancing their mortgage.
To help her feel that she was part of a team when it came to money matters, Jason would ask her to weigh in on financial questions during regular Sunday night planning sessions. “He included me as a complete equal,” recalls Janice, who handled their day-to-day budget, as well as selected their monthly charitable donations. These steps ultimately did wonders to boost her confidence.
Now that they’re in their mid-40s, Janice and Jason’s main priorities include saving for college and retirement. Janice, who’s now back in the workforce, has become more easygoing about personal spending. Jason, on the other hand, still saves carefully: “I always feel a burden to support my family, and I feel it’s my responsibility to ensure that everyone has what they need.” They continue their weekly status reports, hashing out budgets along with their schedules and other responsibilities.
For their personal entertainment budgets, they both keep any five-dollar bill that passes through their hands. “If we ask our friends to come out with us, they’ll ask, ‘Do you have a bunch of fives burning a hole in your pocket?’ ” Janice says. “It’s an easy way to have fun with saving— and it makes going out less painful financially.”
Daphne and Fred Cohn, Davis, Calif.
“For many years, we never talked about finances,” Daphne admits. “That started to change as we saw how unhealthy it was for our relationship.”
Fred, now 57, was a disciplined saver, while Daphne, 41, felt that budgeting “sucked the fun out of life.” She hid some of her spending, but soon realized that it eroded their mutual trust.
Since Fred is closer to retirement age, he is more focused on ensuring their financial freedom in the years ahead. “I have a much deeper appreciation of just how much savings will be required to maintain our current lifestyle,” he says.
After 13 years together, they now agree on key financial goals, such as school tuition for their children and their retirement savings. They talk through their financial plans every month, as well as when they’re considering any big purchase. The more they do this, Fred has found, the better it gets. “Our easiest talks are when we schedule regular reviews of our ‘books,’ ” Fred says.
“Now we sit down together, each with our laptop, and look over our bills and incomes,” Daphne adds. And while she still finds budgeting a chore, she admits that it helps to set a relaxing mood: “We put on soft music, light candles and have a glass of wine. This makes the whole thing more enjoyable.”
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Leave a Comment:
lol...that's all well and good if your partner is willing to budge.
I live with the notion that you save for the future because you don't know when something bad may happen and if something terminal does happen, then you're kids will be better prepared by your saving. My wife lives with the idea, "spend it now because there might be a tomorrow, and besides, there will always be money" (yes - she has actually said that last part).
Suffice it say, that's how I went from having a healthy savings (pre-marriage) to having nothing left in the accounts (12 years later).
I've tried every strategy for budgets and nothing seems to stick. It's pretty much the primary thing that has eroded our marriage because without a sense of financially security long term, I live in a constant state of "need to find a way to make more to ensure we have security if I can't control her spending" instead of living to love the life that we have together - it sucks!
Shawn - I feel your pain. I was in the exact same situation - in fact, my ex used the same words you describe - for 12 years. One typical bit of pretzel logic: "Why save - you're just going to spend it anyway." Such statements underscored the lack of appreciation she had for the sacrifices I was making by working and doing without. It was one very big contributing factor to our divorce. Thankfully, the credit card debt she'd accrued by that time was not my responsibility upon the dissolution of our marriage. I was never able to influence her spending habits, even though she was often not employed, and sadly we couldn't reconcile her balance sheet or our marriage.
True love knows no bounds!
I think almost all marriage issues can be solved with open and honest communication. This starts with each partner being honest with themselves first, and then effectively communicating how they feel to their partner. In some cases, they may find that they are not compatible - that would suck in a way, but it's better to know that now than spend years together being miserable.
Also, this communication should start before getting married. I'll never forget 2 of our friends that decided to get married after living together for 5 years...they had never discussed having children...she wanted them immediately and he wasn't sure he ever wanted kids (and if so, not for at least a few years)...they got divorced 6 months after they got married. (and I really felt bad for the parents because they spent at least $30k on the wedding)
My wife and I budget once a month together. It's not near of a daunting task as it use to be. After years of doing this, we are now thankfully pretty much on the same page. But it use to be a source of what felt like a 15 round boxing match in the earlier years.
If you don't have a sense of personal responsibility, you're not an adult. And if you're not an adult, you should not be making financial decisions.
Totally related to the woman who hid her spending from her husband. When I finally divulged how much I had been debting over the years it was liberating and my husband (10 years of marriage at that time) and I worked on paying it down together.
It was hard for me as I had been a successful lawyer for years until we decided that I would stay home with our two kids. It did leave me feeling a bit powerless and someone spending "our" money made me feel more in control. I still feel guilty about spending too much, but at least I am honest with him about what I spend, and he, for the most part, tolerates it as best he can.
And on another note, I found it interesting that all of the savers in the article were men and the spenders women. Wonder if this is an accurate sampling?
My wife and I did our big spending indulgences on things that wouldn't lose value. I viewed them as a kind of diverse portfolio thing (things like property, gold, art and classic cars). When you spend on experiences that vanish, or buy something new that loses its value in a year, you can get into trouble. When you buy something that is worth more a year later, you're actually being fiscally responsible. Some of our most frivolous and fun purchases turned out to be better performers than any stock we could have bought.
Keep the finances seperate.
Joining them will breed resentment in a marriage. Joining the finances will result in the Spender resenting the Saver for handcuffing the spending, and "ruining" their quality of life. The Saver will resent their Spender spouse, for spending them into "bankruptcy", and neither will be happy with the outcome. Separate finances will allow the Spender to spend all their half of the finances down to zero, while the Saver maintains a secure future. Harmony will last until the Spender is broke, and then starts resenting the Saver for "hoarding" all the money. But at least the family will maintain financial solvency.
Saving and Spending habits should be front and center when discussing marriage, although that aspect of marriage is usually over shadowed by romance. No matter how great the loving, the Saver should never marry a Spender. Any romance enjoyed in the engagement will be tainted when the financial mismatch issues begin.
It's obvious to me why a larger percent of younger couples don't know their spouses' incomes, etc. A larger number of us baby boomers have one spouse doing most of the financial work and have joint bank accounts. Younger generations are more likely to consider how much each spouse earns and divide up the costs (mortgage, electricity, etc.) to leave each with equal spending money while maintaining separate bank accounts. My 15-year younger-than-me brother and his wife did that, but the problem was he got the things less affected by inflation, like the payment on the fixed mortgage, while she got the gas and electric bill, etc. so that after a few years she had trouble making the payments while he was clearing more. They eventually redistributed who paid what.
My husband and I are having kind of opposite situation actually. He is more free to spend and I am the one who always holds on spending -seems that way. My hubby is really careful to spend money though, he always opens to talk about money with me about purchasing and budget. Thus we know where we are now and we'd like to keep doing this. It is true that open talk for money is very important to keep the trust for life partners and that way, I am very lucky.