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This is nice, but it may not save your relationship.
A new study is challenging the conventional wisdom that sharing household duties such as scrubbing the kitchen and toilets will reduce your odds of divorce.
But, the researchers caution, the findings are not an excuse for men or women to start shirking their chores.
Researchers used 2007-08 data on thousands of Norwegian adults to determine possible links between marriage, housework and happiness.
They found that divorce rates were actually higher for the approximately 25 percent of couples who shared housework equally than for the 71 percent couples where women did more or all of the housework.
Divorce rates also were significantly higher among the 4 percent of households in which the men did the majority of the housework, although the sample size was quite small for that group.
“The main point is that there is little to indicate that gender equality at home protects against divorce, as many people think and as is typically maintained by scholars in the field,” Thomas Hansen, a researcher with a Norwegian social research institute and one of the co-authors of the study, told TODAY in an e-mail.
Still, Hansen cautions that spouses should not take this as a sign they can throw in the dish towel – or vacuum, dust pan and sponge.
“This should not be interpreted as a causal effect, i.e., that (equality) leads to divorce,” he wrote.
Instead, it could be an indication that the type of modern couple that shares housework equally might also have more modern views on marriage and divorce. In addition, women in those households may have more financial independence to get out of an unhappy marriage.
The full study is available here. If you don’t happen to read Norwegian, skip to page 223 for the English-language summary.
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Roommates never last and neither do marriages with shared responsibilities, because they're just enhanced roommates.
@cunical - my marriage with shared responsibilities won't last? I appreciate the heads up. I'll need to tell my wife an expert informed me that our 20+ year relationship is doomed and that she's just an enhanced roommate.
Oh! Sorry! Didn't know I had to work a full-time job as well be an indentured servant at home for a relationship to work! My mistake.
Traditional couples have the wife doing most of the housework, and they also don't believe in divorce, even when the couple is unhappy. My miserable parents have been together for 40 years. My mother does all of the housework and my father works outside the home. Sure, he holds money over her head and, if she could afford it, financially, she probably would have left him long ago, but she can't afford that. So they're still married.
Don't you think if she really wanted out she could have gotten a job?
Outsiders never know the real dynamic of a marriage--especially the kids.
patter, probably not at the same level her husband is. There is a trade off. I have seen so many women living in poverty after getting a divorce. They sometimes wish they didn't.
Maybe equally shared housework is sometimes a symptom of a troubled marriage itself... it would seem to me that troubled relationships often get into arguments over housework and whatnot; so in response they divvy it up equally. Too much focus on ensuring everything is equal, just to avoid arguments, may be a sign in itself of trouble - especially when the housework isn't the real issue.
Couples who make strict accountings of household chores --- probably bean-count in most facets of a relationship. People obsessed with how housework is split, probably obsess about every perceived slight in a relationship. Those couples are predisposed to failure.
This study cannot be generalized accross cultures. It is focused on Norwegian couples who may have very different family/marrieage values and role definitions than the American Cutlure, or any other for that matter. Dont read too much into these results unless you are Norwegian and married.
I tried to help with the cleaning and stuff a couple times. The wife got mad, said I was doing it wrong. That by me "Helping" it caused her more work. So, she does it now. I just point and say "you missed a spot". 21 years, must be working out ok.
I've been married for 35 years, sharing responsiblity for home and kids, so...I don't agree.
martvol, my husband always tells me I do it wrong, but he won't help either. He just supervises... then I walk away. Not worth divorcing over though.
I do half and she does half. It's never been much of a problem for us. I was always very tidy when single. Not only that, I was given chores to do every weekend as a child. They became ingrained habits.
I do all of the house work, but I do have a housekeeper that also comes in once a week. However we also have a yard man that does most of the yard work. I do all of the laundry, but he does iron his own shirts. My problem is not that he doesn't do any of the work - it is his sitting on the couch watching football or some other stupid sport while am working. I also do most of the pool work except for backwashing which does not take much time. It's the main reason we have not retired. We have our own business, he works in town, I work out of the house for the company also. I stay active and never watch TV except at night. I can't stand the thought of of having someone sit all day while I work.
Jane,If you have a housekeeper why are you doing any work in the house?Housekeepers do laundry and work more than one day a week for a person.A house cleaner comes weekly,bi weekly and only cleans the house.
Some women make a hobby of polishing surfaces and lifting lint from carpets daily. This is a hobby, but they call it work and expect someone else to help them. When the others help, the cleaning frequency is increased.
Vincent Most women work outside the home, so isn't it fair to share the work?
well if her housecleaner is like the one my sister has, they just clean the toilets, sinks, bathtubs and floors, dust and occasionally throw some dishes in the dishwasher. They do not pick up any clutter, do any laundry, cook, grocery shop, pay the bills, make sure the car tags are renewed, pick up the kids from a daycare, pick up the kids messes etc etc etc. Of course, I would love for someone to do what her housecleaner does as I hate doing it, but I just cannot bring myself to choose that over spending the money on something more tangible.
The study really doesn't amount to much as the period observed for the divorce statistics was not a significantly long period, and it was only proven to be statistically accurate, which means very little considering how small of a margin that can be. It simply could have been an aberration for that short period.
Why can't anyone write/publish articles like this that actually have meaningful information, and not just inflamed suppositions?!
This study is pretty flawed. A woman who is dependent and does all of the work is less likely to leave a marriage. She does not have financial independence to leave. That in itself would cut down the divorce rate.
I have physical limitations so my Hubby (who pretty much walks on water around here) does most of the housework. I help where I can- as much as I can -- including cleaning up after myself.
My housework & marriage philosphy: If we are fortunate enough to have things to clean up, I think we should be happy to have those things, and respectful enough to take care of those things.
If the man is sharing "responsibilities" it is because he just doesnt want to listen to the woman bitch. Women will find this sexist, but regardless, it is the truth. This means men do what women want them to so they wont have to listen to them, when they get sick of being puppets, divorce is unavoidable.
This goes with the old saying, 'men marry a woman they dont want to change, women marry a man they think they can change'
Many women had high hopes and aspirations that she will be able to "train" her husband to increase the polishing of surfaces. The fair thing to do is take Her cleaning schedule, add his cleaning schedule and divide by 2.
It's amazing how some think that if you know the motives of a few they know the motives of them all.
trudat you my friend are an idiot REAL men want to help out as much as possible
i cook,clean vacuum and anything else that needs to be done. because thats
just the way it is and should be . DUH!!
Joe: Which is why you are in a good relationship and Vincent and trudat are bitterly single. Your wife/girlfriend sound like a lucky woman.
My wife demanded I clean the floors once. I thought Comet would be much faster but it kinda took off the finish. I did not have to do floors anymore and now live in peace with my girlfriend. There is always light at the end of the tunnel :)
LXLR8,you're a passive aggressive as most men are.they learn very quickly to bleach colored clothes or ruin thing sby using the wrong products.Hope you like working your behind off to replace that floor.
I'm sure your ex wife is happy to be rid of a weak destructive game-player who lacks the courage to stand up and say what he really wants to say. I'm thrilled for her to be rid of you.
My new woman washes the floor and my balls, bowling that is :) I did not replace the floor and took the dog. Happy ending.
Ooh I like that response Jen-965135 :)
Someone CLEARLY found a video game more interesting than Jen. lol
Where was the option "the woman does it all"? Oh yeah, I'm the woman :-)
What next, a study on the status of the toilet lid being left up or down and the divorce rate? A waste of money! Research cancer, AIDs, something! This is stupid.
Of course not, American men are tired of getting bullied, verbally abused, and controlled by women 24 hours a day. Why should women be able to make demands of men, ad nauseam, but when a man makes a 'demand', women call him names; misogynist, sexist, male chauvanist pig? Men better wake up and fight fire with fire; we've got a few names of our own that fit perfectly for bullying women; misandrist, sexist (yes, it cuts both ways), and best for last 'female feminist pig'. I have a feeling women can dish it, they just can't take it. Grow a pair, guys, she just loves backing you down 24 hours a day. That will save marriages, not surrendering to the very things women now do they have always claimed they despise in men. The hypocrisy is astounding.
This sounds more like a problem of beta males hooking up with alpha females. Not every woman demeans their husband, though admittedly some do, and they are bullies. If you are a beta male, stay away from alpha women if you don't want to be treated in such a nasty manner, or better yet, figure that out well before you marry her. Take some responsibility for the actions (marriage) you make.
@therockofages - I'm an American man and I have none of grievances you air. Thanks for your unsolicited advice but my marriage doesn't need saving. Perhaps rather than claiming to speak for others and wallowing in self-pity you should examine your relationship choices.
I don't make demands of my husband and he doesn't make any demands on me. If either of us want something done we do it ourselves. I used to work 60hrs a week (and he did too) and my husband would have the dinner ready, dishes done, a few loads of laundry done by the time I got home. He is the most awesome husband ever. I told him he didn't have to and he said its ok he wanted too. We've been married for 10 yrs. Now I'm a stay at home mom and I do all of that for him instead and I really enjoy doing it for him because I know he would do it for me. I look forward to him coming home. If you treat your wife with respect and do for her what you want in return you wouldn't be having this issue "therockofages". Sounds like you just want a pity party, I wont give you a pity party but I will give you a bad husband of the year award!
How many homes have TODO lists for the husband on the fridge. Usually, the bulk of the list is construction projects. I have yet to see a WIFE todo list on a fridge.
@Vincent the reason there isn't a written wife to do list is that the guy wants the wife todo everything and therefore doesn't have to make a written list.
And don't even get me started on the construction projects. I didn't know how to unclog the sink that was draining really slowly and asked very nicely for my husband to take care of it since he has worked with plumbing before. He left it barely draining for 4 YEARS and actually complained that I was using the sink on his side.
I finally decided I was tired of it and started to get in there to fix it myself. Suddenly he was all about unclogging the sink. What the heck?
And don't get me started about when I've suggested having my dad come fix something (i just thought he would be the best choice since he has done wood work before and my husband has not). You'd think I just called him a big old Wuss and kicked him in the twins.
Wow, you people really hate your wives. I can't imagine marrying someone I despise so much.
Women can dish it out but not take it? Please, women have been putting up with your BS for centuries. You're just mad that we're finally starting to stand up for ourselves and your feelings are getting hurt. I'm not married yet, but BF and I share responsibilities when we're at each other's homes. I'm not with him because I want a servant, and neither is he.
Laura wrote "I'm not married yet, "
Then you really don't understand how you'll be when the two of you move into YOUR house. I never had a girlfriend nag me to clean my own house. There were some that thought they could recruit me to help them with their housework while never doing anything in my house.
I never said I haven't lived with a man before. Granted, I'm too young to live with someone long enough to hate them as much as some of these posters hate their partners, but we did live together for several years, and we split the chores there too. Then again, we didn't stay together, so maybe we're represented in this study, even though we didn't get married.
As for marriage and owning my own home, I can't imagine there will ever be a point where I'll expect my man to wait on me hand and foot, or be willing to tolerate a man who expects that of me.
Oh so based on data from '07-'08 on some Norwegians we are to conclude this is universally true... NOT!
I have to be honest and say that while I do virtually all of the housework, it really is by choice - mine. I recognize that I must have some control issues as early in our marriage, I found I didn't like the way he loaded the dishwasher, sorted the laundry, folded the towels, or almost anything else. I have my own way of doing it. That said, he is always willing to cook, grill and does most of the outside work. Except I enjoy mowing, and he hates it, so that is my one outside job - such a mindless activity.
Annie, that's awesome of you to take hold of the responsibilities rather than trying to get him to do it your way. I always tell people who try to tell me how they do something to go do it themselves if they want it done a particular way, other wise if I'm doing it, then let me.
Annie - I so agree with you. I've often thought that if you share household chores, you have two choices: accept the way someone else does it and shut up, or do it yourself and shut up. A good marriage is built on mutual respect and if that's there, then the entire workload - housework, yardwork, errands, repairs/maintenance, child rearing, etc. - all evens out to suit the couple involved.
I love mowing the yard so in hot weather I go out and help.He's had health issues and it's too much for him.He's actually put the towels in the dryer and folded them a few times.I taught him how.Never criticize.Just show them how it's done in a nice way.
I'm right there with you Annie, I saw him vacuum the floors once and I had to wait for him to leave the house so I could re-do it without hurting his feelings. I do the cooking, dishes, laundry, general house cleaning, and bill paying. He does the outdoor stuff (lawn mowing, gutters, raking, snow). Not that it matters, but I see the other posts noting $$, so if we're keeping track I make about twice what he does (ie: it doesn't matter if you're a stay at home mom or not, you still have to do all the house work)
I knew this when I married him and as long as he keeps up the yard and puts his socks in the dirty laundry, I'm happy. The only chore I wish we shared was getting the house ready for bed, it drives me nuts having to follow him around the house and turn the lights off!
Yup I agree with you Annie and most of the posts after. Both my husband and I work (no children yet). I do the cooking and cleaning, bill paying etc...very happily I actually enjoy doing that suff. My hubby helps out glady if I ask, but mostly it's easier to do it myself because I have my method and I'm a little OCD. He's happy I'm happy it works out for both of us. I don't take out the trash and my husband is happy to grab the trash on his way out the door.
when psycho kicks in it matters not who does what........I am by far the better parent. so good am I at everything that my kids recognize. i'm so good I raised them to respect their mother no matter what.
I do a significant amount of the housework, but after reading this article I'm going to tell my wife that she has to do it all. It's for the sake of our marriage!
Damned if you do, damned if you don't! Hope that works out for you ;)
lol thats funny!
I do about 90% of the childrearing, 85% of the housekeeping, 80% of the yard work. He pays all the bills, including my $200 student loan payment, takes the trash out, takes the cans to the curb and gives me about $100/month in pocket money.
He gets an $800 iPad in appreciation for his hard work, with money I earned. I get told that I should feel lucky I "get" to stay home and clean up after everyone
Id get a job.
You are lucky. Now shut up and get my dinner ready.
My wife and I share.If we irritate each other we yell and get it over with.We put each other first always[after the kids].We get along great
I am rather inclined to say that this study is likely a case of putting too much stock in a coincidental relationship. It doesn't seem unreasonable to suppose that couples where the women does more housework are more traditional in their overall outlook on marriage whereas couples that share housework are more modern in their overall outlook. Though it is a cliche stereotype, in reality people who are more traditional see divorce as more shameful than people who are more modern. So it would not be surprising to find out that people who are more traditional in their outlook might be more inclined to stick it out in a marriage where they are unhappy.
It does say that. Another site linked the same study and brought that point up via a quote from one of the authors.
My lazy ass husband does absolutletly nothing to help around the house, and I resent him for it. I've never had a man help do anything; but, mess the house up, and then once amonth or two mowes a very small piece of lawn. And I have always had to work full-time, as well. I'm getting a divorce, then am going to remain single. If I have to do it all, I might as well be alone.
Did you not know this ahead of time? Was he a momma's boy?
Many women prefer the company of cats. Cats don't do housework and expect to be massaged.
Trina, Perhaps you got married for the wrong reasons? If all you are looking for in a mate is someone to share household chores with, then you might want to reconsider your reasons for getting married. I did not marry my wife for someone to clean and pick up after me. I married her because she is the best woman/person I have ever known. Just a thought.
My husband and I have no problem going 50/50 when we both work full time jobs. Right now Im a stay at home mom and I feel its my job to deal with the house and lawn, pool, kids, holiday functions, bills pets ..you name it. If hes working extra hrs to make up for me not working then he should be able to come home kick his feet up with a clean house and a hot meal waiting ( he still tries to help even though I tell him not too. But when I hear men say we both work but its still her job to take care of me while I sit around after work? You try doing it all and let your wife sit around see how much you will dispise her! People can be selfish and thats why they get divorced. Love isnt about lust or butterflys in your stomach, Its about 100% commitment. By reading these mens comments Id say I wouldnt have married many of them to begin with...very selfish. Give & take, not take & take until she hates you enough to leave you.
More and more women are not putting up with this crap. But, sadly there are many women who, despite hating thier husbands for taking advantage of them, are not in positions where leaving is possible or practical. When you regard a wife as nothing more than a sex toy and household slave- you don't deserve one.
More and more men are shunning marriage. Why pay most of the bills and do most of the housework under command ?
Overall, women would not be in this situation if they insist on marryingup, in that a good man is one that makes at least 20% more - the basic cushion needed for women to work part-time or not at all. Resentment from the forced primary economic contributor for doing housework to be "equal" when her economic contributions will never be equal.
So if I'm reading you right Vincent, you think that because a woman earns less in the workplace, she should be doing more of the housework to make up for her lack in income? Hmmm...well, that can go both ways. As a woman, and an engineer, I make more than my husband by a considerable amount.
Vincent, more and more young women are shunning marriage now since they are likely to be better educated than their male peers and have better career prospects. They can afford to be picky.