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Sharing personal details at work can be a difficult terrain to navigate. Tell all early and you can inoculate yourself against criticism later if your personal life affects your work. But overshare and you can marginalize yourself at the one place where things are calm and quiet.
"Having to disclose personal information in the workplace can be one of the most anxiety-provoking decisions an employee has to make. Particularly in this economy, where many employees are worried that any sign of weakness may adversely affect their continued employment or personnel review," says Wendy Patrick, a management and ethics lecturer at San Diego State University.
Of course, some personal details like pregnancy or that whole body cast from your weekend skiing injury may be difficult to hide. But for everything else, here is a quick primer for what, how and when to share at the office.
What do you have to tell?
Distinguish what you need to tell versus what you don't. As a general rule, you should share information that could affect your work and keep private the personal news that won't have an impact on your performance.
Legally, you're usually on solid ground if you keep your mouth shut, says Nigel Telman, an employee attorney at law firm Proskauer Rose in Chicago. You aren't even required to mention pregnancy, though of course you would have to if you wanted to take maternity leave.
"The one exception is if you have an illness that could potentially put your co-workers at risk of contracting the illness. For example, tuberculosis. Then you must advise your employer of the situation," says Telman.
What do you want to tell?
If you have a soft fuzzy workplace and consider your boss your friend, you may feel like telling more. Interestingly, workers' views on sharing may be affected by their age, says Amy Lynch, a Minneapolis consultant, who offers corporate seminars on managing multiple generations in the workforce.
"Competitive baby boomers consider it unprofessional to share private info, even if it impacts performance," she says. Generation X tends to share personal dramas since, "withholding it might be unethical because it affects team performance."
Millennials, says Lynch, "have always shared that kind of info with everybody. They Facebook it."
And speaking of Facebook, don't post personal items on social networking sites if you aren't going to disclose them at work. Your colleagues will find out. And they will talk.
If you want to share with your colleagues, tell your boss first, says Niraj Tenany, chief executive of Netwoven, a tech firm in Milpitas, Calif., with 45 employees. You could be putting your friend in an uncomfortable, or even job-jeopardizing, position if you hand them work-related information before telling your supervisor.
Know your rights
If you do tell your boss about your debt problems or your upcoming surgery, can you be fired? Yes and no, says Telman.
In most cases, "employers have the right to terminate at will any employee for any reason or no reason as long as it isn't an illegal reason," Telman says. So in theory, if you offer up tales of how bill collectors are hounding you, and if your employer decides you have a character flaw, you could be canned without any legal recourse. The Family Medical and Leave Act, however, protects pregnant and ill employees from being sacked because of their condition, says Telman.
Stick with the facts. "I really don't want to know the details of your pregnancy," says Dan Stockdale, CEO of Adventures in Leadership, a Harriman, Tenn., firm with 125 employees. "Yes, I care and I am happy for you but only share what is relevant to your work position."
If it's inevitable your employer will learn your news, get it out there early. For pregnancies, three months is probably good timing, says Allison O'Kelly of Moms Corps, a professional flexible staffing firm. "After that, I would tell because you don't want to look like you're holding back. You want to look helpful."
Have a plan
Offer a solution at the same time that you bring up the topic. If you need to take time off to care for an ailing parent, for example, suggest which colleagues could take over projects for you or offer to do some work in the evenings.
"You want to get the news out there early so your employer has more time to prepare and support you, and so they don't feel blindsided," says Nicole Williams, connection director at LinkedIn and author of several career books, including "Earn What You're Worth."
Marty Kotis, president and CEO of Kotis Holdings, a Greensboro, N.C., shopping center developer, appreciated it when one of his employees gave him two months notice before the employee was going to be sidelined with back surgery.
"It gave us a chance to discuss how we were going to cover the work flow," says Kotis.
Get help with the stress
Some corporations have employee assistance programs (EAPs) run by third party companies to help staff with personal problems.
They can save a company money, says Sarah Hulsey, the talent manager at Rising Medical Solutions, a Chicago-based consulting firm that advises companies on health benefits. If an employee can get help working out a knotty problem like finding daycare for a dependent parent, that can save hours and days of work time. But there's another reason, says Hulsey: "The EAP is there so we don't have that personal information shared in the workplace."
There are good reasons for companies to support valued employees. "The more flexible I can be," Kotis says, "it helps me retain some really good staff members."
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You would think we as a nation would be above personal discrimination-unfortunately I had a situation just last month on this very problem was given a position by the Director of Nurses,all they needed was a criminal back ground check that was completely clear,clearing up a family problem and was to start working the next Monday-the Assistant Director of Nurses over heard and was told that Monday morning they "desided to suspend hiring for the postion-envy does not belong in the work place-now mind you I have more experience then average,but I am Mexican living in Texas
Maybe it was because you don't know how to write or end a sentence? All of that and you never once used a period? Let alone three or four sentences.
Ahhhh, I am the VICTIM being an "undocumented" immigrant, or is that Illegal Alien (Immigrant) working in the United States. Maybe a Mr. Obama personal wavier fan. Hmmmm, background checks can do wonders.
Maybe they looked at her comments on a patient history "Nurse visit" sheet. After all, a mistake might lead to the wrong medicine or dosage.
Dave, you have no room at all to criticize. Your sentence structure and lack of punctuation shows you to not only be an idiot but also projecting your apparant lack of writing skills too.
Aye De Me Que Lastima.
Adam -- shut up please. There was nothing wrong with Dave's post except for the last sentence, which was a fragment. In spite of that, it was still 100 times more readable than the post to which he was responding.
I see posts like Crawford's all the time in discussion forums, ones in which no period is used. They are a headache to read and people should be ashamed to makes posts written in that manner.
Someone should be ashamed to "makes" that last post.
Absolutely hilarious how many Grammar Nazis whine about the use of the language by others, while said Spelling Trolls have horrible grammar themselves to begin with.
Dave seems to think his sentence fragment is acceptable, while Ido doesn't understand the proper use of parentheses and quotation marks and David is too busy criticizing others to see the problem with his own grammar.
Crawford probably didn't learn English as their first language, but you three fools certainly did and you can't use the language any better than Crawford. If you think that says more about Crawford than it says about you, you're sorely mistaken.
ldo - did you seriously suggest that since Crawford is Mexican she is illegal? You might not be aware of this, since you clearly view all other ethnicities as illegal, but the majority of them are actually in this country legally.
I wouldn't share anything. My brother was in the hospital for depression and he was fired 2 months later. The workplace doesn't need to know a thing about me.
Yes but that is a winnable court case. That's what the EEOC is for.
Maybe your brother was fired because he he didn't show up for work.
My brother's boss sat him down a month before he was fired and said "you should go on disability." She knew he was going to be fired but was hinting at that. Attorneys in Michigan wouldn't touch it because everything is geared towards the employer they said. He only missed one week of work. Imagine missing a week of work being hospitalized for depression and then you are fired. Do not shop at Plum Market in Michigan.
Evil Business Owner: You sound like a nut. I have read your other posts and you sound angry and like you have a grudge.
Positive me - I feel deeply for your brother. I would say that the employer was giving him an out and a way to keep his job. Going on disablity would preserve his position and give him a chance to heal. I am guessing that after a week of hospitalization, your brother would continue to struggle with depression and his work performance would likely suffer. If he isn't able to adequately complete his job (even if justified by his illness), company policy could result in termination.
I teach adults, and each year a handful of really promising students are sidelined by depression. It can impace all areas of life. In many cases, these students don't seek help and utilize adminstrative tools (leave, disability) to perserve their long term goals.
Best of luck to your brother.
kirstyloo, ... I don't believe a word you said! DO YOU have anyyyy clue as to what it would take TIMEWISE as well as Dollar-wise, to get someone put on disability ??? It's usually 3 to 4 denials by the SS dept about 3 to 4 years time frame wise. LOTS of people die and have been dead for a year or two before Social Security disability gets approved and NOT all of them even get/got approved everrrrrrr.
Apparently NOTTTTTT ! Your heart may be in the right place, but you are a little naive in the reality check area.
i did forget to mention my family problem was being taken care of by what we in the country call"the good 'ol boy network" and the ADON was white and from the country-thus the remark of envy.
And the ADON being white automatically makes them suspect of what? Oh, yeah, don't let me forget. It is a-okay to make assumptions about a person based on race if that person is white. However, if anyone makes assumptions about YOU because you are Mexican, then it is racist. And your "family problem" being taken care of by the "good ole boy" method indicates that rather than addressing issues via legal routes, violence/subtrefuge/deceit/intimidation is being employed to "take care" of a problem. Your post indicates that you not being hired for the position you wanted may have something to do with your character, not skin color or ethnicity.
I was given notice on my job one month after I was diagnosed with cancer. My immediate boss knew about the cancer because I would have to be out on a weekly basis for chemo. She was very supportive of me, fought to keep my job, and still contacts me to find out how I am doing. Unfortunately, those above her must have seen me as a liability and as they were laying off others, they laid off me too. They reworked my job responsibilities into a "new position" with a new title and replaced me. Others laid off were offered a chance to transfer to other positions, so I know it was the cancer, and maybe that I had almost 16 years worth of sick days saved up that they were afraid I would use.
Unfortunately, sometimes, like if you have to take large amounts of time off, or repeated times off for a family problem or medical treatment, or when your illness or treatments are visible (little hard to hide certain chemo side effects), or if you will need some accomodations for a time like after surgery, it can be very hard or impossible to not share at least a minimum amount of information.
@EAE-886609
If you have proof that the cancer was a reason for your layoff, you may have a valid lawsuit on your hands. I hope they paid you for those 16 years worth of sick days.
I have heard of this happening to lots of people diagnosed with a terminal illness or pregnancy.
If it is during across the board lay-offs; the company can usually get away with it.
when the ADON comes out of the building to see what I drive-the cowboy hat on head of my white husband that i've had for 25yrs. -The fact that the problem was the hiring of a sitter for my mother-in law-the fact that my brother-in-law was sent to China on business-my other bother-in law was on a cruise-my niece the judge was in court-my sons was saved by the "good 'ol boy network -one of the other nurses in the building knows my work ethics IS the reason I can say it was the color of my skin-the fact that the company called ME for the job NOT the other way IS
I am currently employed with a great company. They have been very understanding when personal life has affected my work schedule. Of course it helps that I have been more than willing to work weekends and holidays to make up the time and get projects completed on schedule.
Keep you mouth SHUT! [Emphasis added.] Find someone outside of your employer to discuss your personal problems with. I learned this the very hard way when I was very young 22, pregnant, with a cheating husband who worked in the same building I did and his "new" girlfriend worked two floors below me. Everyone in the office knew about my "problems" from seeing them together in the lobby, etc. After that, I was denied promotions and found out that while I would keep my job, I would never be considered for any type of promotion because I had "too many problems." All co-workers like to "pretend" they are your friend, but in reality most only want to know your business and gossip about you behind your back.
I'm bipolar and feel like I have to disclose my diagnosis. I have had "episodes" at work before--I try to keep things held in but once in a while, ouch. I let them know ahead of time that I have something that might affect my work performance (which I do not have to do before I am hired) and when I have to I play the ADA card because it's the only protection I have.
This just in...........Da Republican TeaBilly Conservative Whack jobs have just added "Drew Peterson" to their "War on Women".....Committee.
They had to wait for the Blood Test's to make sure that he did have "Todd Akins Disease".
You BetCha.....Fer Sure.
My workplace has so far been accomodating and even generous when it comes to my chronic illness. Sometimes I am out a week, and twice in the past 10 years I have been out for 3 months. I use more sick time than I would like now, but my boss has been understanding. I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I have always been up front about my condition, without getting into the nitty gritty details that is.
I tell my employee's at all levels from janitor to manager....
1. you come to work to work...
2. Keep work at work and home at home.
I am in business to succeed and that keeps the jobs secure, I am not here to babysit or deal with personal lives.
Nice attitude there Azrancher. I bet you are just a joy to work for. Heaven forbid that a problem in your personal life bleeds over into your work life.
Then again, you sound like someone without a personal life.
What goes around comes around. Good luck.
Oh yes...and karma's a bitch....
It's pretty naive to think that people's personal problems aren't going to impact their work performance. Sometimes when you are dealing with hard stuff, you can't just flip a switch. I'm not advocating that people totally melt down in the office, but a touch of humanity for a short period of time is the right, human thing to do.
My boss went through a heartbreaking (for him) divorce, after he found out his wife was cheating. You bet it affected his work performance, but he had the support of his boss (our regional director) and me, as his assistant manager, as well as the rest of our office. I am thankful to work in such a supportive environment and know that if I ever have a personal issue that will affect me, that I'll have his support as well as that of my co-workers.
A real country song would have ended with "and mama just got ran over by a dang old train". The generation over 20 is now experiencing so much focus on their private lives by employer's, government and private business that I don't see how they can expect a normal life that generations born before at least 1980 experienced. Background checks from Homeland Security just to drive a backhoe or work in a mini-market. Local police surveillance will become bigger as the government issues drone's to watch over unsuspecting citizens. I'm glad I grew up in the 1950's.
I would love to keep my personal life personal. Unfortunately, when my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer it came out. Two weeks later I lost my job. My boss said that Travelers did not care about my personal problems. As far as lawsuits are concerned, my husband was a very experienced human resources officer and before he died he helped me to put together a very well detailed document. A lawyer said we would win, but it would take years and a retainer in the tens of thousands. My last paycheck came on the day of my husbands funeral.
Paula, ... so sorry for your terrible loss. My condolances.
I sincerely hope that you will seek out an attorney who can and will take your case on what is called a contingency basis. Which simply put mean that YOU pay absolutely NO money to any attorney but they agree to represent you all the way through court if necessary, for a certain percentage of whatever you are awarded (if anything) and if it is nothing, then you do not get charged anything.
There are hungry lawyers who will do thsome of these deals too! LOL, good luck to you too. Denny.
Jeez, Paula, what a terrible story. My prayers go out to you and your family.
Never say anything personal to your boss. Time and time again I have trusted and been burned. Keep all personal matters to yourself and refuse to comment if asked. I just say that I am a private person and do not want to comment. Actually, I think bosses prefer this attitude.
Frequently, attorneys will warn a potential client that it will take years and, of course, they will need to be paid, but it would be very rare for an attorney NOT to take a contingency fee for such a case and not a retainer. You should have looked elsewhere; there is something odd about that.
You know what??....Keep your mouth shut even if you think you have a friend in a coworker, in your boss, or whoever. Why? Because, like faucets, info always seems to leak. Sometimes the info gets bastardized, out-rightly changed, embellished, etc. Sometimes not. If it does leak, you will notice your coworkers and management begin to treat you differently and not the way you think you should be treated given your bad/terrible situation. Be wary of the "sympathetic ear" assuring you your secrets are safe with him/her, especially if its HR. If things are really horrific, you will be considered a liability to where ever you work and HR will be meeting with the company attorneys to decide your fate before you even know it. As hard as it may be NOT to share your awful plight, remember it can (and usually does) get much worse once you seemingly unburden yourself thanks to your loyal buddies at work and your so understanding manager/boss. If you think there is collusion afoot against you, don't delay. Seek out a good attorney specializing in employment law and bounce off of them your whole situation. Take it from there.
"In most cases, "employers have the right to terminate at will any employee for any reason or no reason as long as it isn't an illegal reason."
Too bad American workers don't have laws on their side protecting them from this kind of behavior. Also, too many have bought the corporate bilge-water that Unions are evil and have done everything to ensure that unionization is discouraged/dismantled. One thing about it, when there are unions and union contracts, corporations and businesses have less of a leg to stand on to do things like this to Union employees.
You can be the most perfect human being on the planet, but without a Union, an employer can still fire you as an "at-will employee". We should all hope that someday, all American workers will wake up to this sad fact. For the sake of argument, let's say you are God, and you are the most perfect worker by nature that the universe has ever seen or ever will see for all eternity. Your employer can still fire you, if you are an "at-will" employee. If you don't see the insanity of this, there's little hope for you. Unions need to expand in America.
You're absolutly right! Employees need laws that protect them as this current law is too easily manipulated especially for someone on a power trip. Let's face it in this economy alot of us are afraid of lossing our jobs. Employers get to hold this over our heads on a daily basis, which could be interpretted as psychological abuse. We need laws that protect our rights, as well as our job security. I know myself having worked in the same field for over 20 years without as much as a warning, have had a hard time keeping a job. Part of this I believe is my experience is a threat to those less experienced and fearful of losing their jobs. Therefor as mentioned just make things up to get me out. Stupid thing is my work should have spoken for me as all of my work was current and up to date, wasn't behind on a thing.
Kate9: there's an ADA card for being bipolar & you wave it?! Oh my god. How pathetic is that!
I also see the punctuation police are out in force. Seriously? That's all you have to add to the conversation?
As far as telling anyone anything about your personal life at work? Keep your mouth shut! It will be used against you! If you think a "co-worker" is a friend think again! They'll be the first to shove you aside for their own benefit.
Discretion is a lost art these days. If you want to maintain the respect of your boss and your co-workers, keep your dirty laundry to yourself unless it's absolutely necessary. Too many people feel their lives are interesting enough that everyone should know the details; it's a form of narcissism that people wear as some kind of badge of honor.
With the exception of disease and sickness, everything else on this list (bankruptcy, debt, divorce, pregnancy) is preventable by making better life decisions. Why should our employers bear the brunt of poor personal life choices? Make smarter decisions and you'll have nothing to disclose.
work is work and home is home. the worlds should never collide.
if you cannot handle work because of home then quit.
What ever happened to caring about people? "I don't care about your pregnancy except to how it relates to your job?" Wow. Is there anywhere to go to work that people actually care about their employees and they're not just a number? What happened to loyalty to people and families?
Pregnancy has no bearing in the workplace or in the real world. As far as employers and their businesses are concerned, pregnancy is an unproductive waste of their time and money. I happen to totally agree with them.
Disease and sickness are sometimes out of one's control. No one chooses to get cancer, so I would expect sympathy from employers on this one, but pregnancy is completely avoidable, preventable and is one's personal choice that NO employer (or anybody else for that matter) should have to pay the consequences for.
Jenny: Huhhhhh?
While pregnancy is preventable and can negatively impact on job performance (for a few years), people having children is actually important to the long term well-being of this country. Having children often has longterm benefits that can make them better long term employees.
Signed a mother of 3-year-old who still works 55 hours a week thanks to a working husband who helps a lot around the house
I, for one, really do not want to hear about anyone's drama or home life issues. If you are sick then stay home and get better. If your marriage is in shambles, discuss it with your friends. If you are in debt, get a part time job or seek counseling. If there are things that you feel MUST be disclosed, please take it up with the boss and keep your private issues- PRIVATE. Seems lately that everyone feels a need to regurgitate their private lives. I have only so much empathy at work. A VERY brief statement about your husband being a pain over the weekend is one thing, but a long winded sob story about how he's so horrible, never helps you, etc. is just too much. I come to work to work and focus on my job. I am pretty intolerant lately regarding everyone's issues and problems. Disclosure is not al that great for the morale of others. Don't assume your co-workers are your friends and want to be burdened with your drama. Like I said, a brief snipit of your personal life is fine, but please keep it BRIEF and light.
Dear employee,
I would like to drop by your house unannounced (preferrably when you are having dinner with your family). I feel the need to share my personal problems with you and perhaps cry or maybe even scream at you. I would appreciate your full attention no matter how inappropriate the subject matter. I would like for you to care and offer me advice. By the way, if you do not respond in a manner that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, I will probably sue you for hurting my feelings.
Sincerely,
Your boss