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When you hate someone you work with, you must proceed thoughtfully and carefully as you try to solve the problem.
Executive coaching clients over the years have come to me with a key dilemma: “What do I do when I hate someone at work and feel he (or she) is out to get me?”
So what do I advise my coaching clients to do about this situation? Here are four critical steps for dealing productively with an enemy at work.
1) Get to the bottom of your beef with them and theirs with you
You’ve got to understand the context and systemic factors around the issue and the core conflict with the individual. It’s almost never what you think it is — there’s always something deeper. Before you approach the individual or try to handle the issue directly, take a critical step back, neutralize your emotions and uncover as best you can both your own issues with this person, and the problem they have with you.
As a trained marriage and family therapist, I learned this: We are 50 percent of a relationship problem — not more, not less. We’ve co-created and co-attracted this problem, and it’s vitally important to figure out how we’re maintaining it. In the case I mention above, my “enemy” was a beautiful marketing director who was the apple of my senior leaders’ eyes at the company. I was downright jealous of her because I felt she wasn’t smart or contributing enough to be achieving the recognition and promotions she received. In short, I wanted more recognition and accolades like hers. It stuck in my craw, and I truly couldn’t get over it. But I can tell you this: When you hate someone, they’re most likely going to hate you back.
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If you are too emotional too see things clearly, ask for an outside perspective from someone you trust who can see more clearly what could be contributing to your problem with this individual and their hatred of you.
The only condition that doesn’t fit my “we are 50 percent of the problem” rule is when you’re dealing with a full-blown narcissist — someone with a true narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, narcissists are rampant in corporate America, particularly at high levels, and your best course of action is to: 1) identify when you’re dealing with true narcissist, and 2) if you are, get out of their sphere of influence as soon as possible.
2) Evaluate the type of emotional conflict you have
There are many types of conflicts we have with co-workers, and we can categorize them by emotions or feelings they evoke in us. Several primary categories are:
• Jealousy. You’re jealous of what they have and do.
• Insecurity. They’re powerful in ways you’re not, and that makes you insecure.
• Anger. You feel they’re in your way somehow and blocking your success (as if success were a limited commodity and they’re hogging it).
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• Distrust. You get the gut feeling that you shouldn’t trust them or they give you evidence that they’re not trustworthy.
• Lack of commonality. They’re just so different from you that it’s hard to find any common ground, and that makes you uncomfortable.
• Disrespect. You don’t respect who they are and how they do what they do.
Figure out exactly what feelings this individual evokes in you, and most likely you’ll identify feelings and emotions they experience in dealing with you.
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3) Assess the best options for handling the problem
When you hate someone at work, you have several options in dealing with the problem:
• Just bury your feelings and get over it. This is not advised because most of us are terrible at suppressing our feelings; they just leak out.
• Do internal work to overcome your challenges with the person. This is always a good start place to start. Look at yourself first to determine how you are creating or maintaining the problem.
• Address the challenges directly with the individual. This is a good idea only under certain circumstances, such as when you’ve worked out your messages clearly and effectively and when the individual is reasonable, open, communicative and flexible enough to hear what you have to say and do something constructive with it.
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• Get someone else at work to step in as a mediator. This might be called for when the individual is at a higher level in the corporate structure than you and you need their support to get your work done.
Each of these approaches has advantages and disadvantages. Get some outside help – from a coach or a mentor or sponsor — to determine the best approach that fits your particular circumstances. Don’t bring it up to your boss or others in your organization until you’ve done all you can to address is proactively and responsibly.
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4) Find a way to shift your anger or insecurity
I tell all my clients that, in the end, if you are having problems at work, you must make the internal effort now to create a shift within yourself if you want external change. If you don’t change, the problem won’t change, and it will follow you around wherever you go until you resolve it. First, you need to understand that hating this individual is not in your best interest — it’s doing harm to your well-being and your potential success at the organization, even if you think it’s justified. Your hatred is sucking precious time and energy from your day, and most likely giving you a bad reputation as someone who has problems with others. To truly resolve the problem, you have to be ready to release your hatred. You have to believe that letting go of this anger and shifting it to something more positive will indeed help you succeed in your life and career. Until you can accept that (and stop making this individual wrong and the bane of your existence), it’s unlikely you’ll ever come to a satisfactory place with him or her.
Leave a Comment:
I'm sure these are great suggestions, at least if the co-worker in question is somewhat sane. The only co-worker I've ever had a problem with turn out to be batspit insane. She set fire to the office a few weeks after I quit in protest.
I've also dealt with bat guano crazy bosses and co-workers. One of the worst mistakes I ever made was to try to outlast a crazy, abusive boss. We all figured he'd get the sack eventually. I should have left, even though I didn't have another job lined up. Yes, it was that bad.
You mentioned no case above, maybe your enemy had better writing skills.
Hating someone because they were doing better due to talent and hard work is small minded to say the least. If you wanted to hate someone perhaps should be the bosses who gave her undeserved (in your opinion) praise. She has no 50% responsibility for your feelings or her bosses giving her more praise than she earned. Neither do people hold 50% responsibility if others are: jealous, insecure, angry, or distrustful, as for the other feelings unless they are indeed true they are in the eyes of the beholder and may not be valid. Applying your education in marriage and family therapy has not brought you to the right conclusions, it doesn't translate.
Do you actually think the average worker can identify a narcissist and then do what get out of their sphere of influence, quit or try to get a transfer?
I don't hate you though I do think you are being paid to do something you have neither the qualifications or aptitude to do well.
And you're clearly the narcissist he was mentioning. How convenient!
Yep, sea2see sure sounds like one. Doesn't think the "average" worker can pick out a narcissist. Got news for him. They can pick one out in a NY minute. I had a big boss at one time that defined the word!!! His ego was the biggest I had ever seen. Also worked "with" a southern gal (no slam on gals from the south) that was still attached to the chord of her mother. She was so insecure, especially if there was another girl in the office (which I was the only other one) she had to try and show everyone how much better she thought she was as a person. Actually, she was the biggest joke I had ever seen. The only thing missing was her diapers coming in in the mornings and it would have been easy to hate her too but pity was the only thing that kept me from taking other drastic actions. So, the average worker can pick out more personalities than Mr Sea2see would like to think. Like his. Wake Up....is absolutely right, he is clearly one of them. They walk among us.
Sorry, but sea2see has some valid points. There doesn't necessarily need to be mutual hate. I was hired to come in and fix up an absolute mess caused by a worker who didn't have a clue. She should have been let go, but instead was demoted. I quietly went about repairing the damage done to the accounting department. About 6 months into the job, the demoted person drastically changed her behaviour toward me, became an absolute b(*&^, and made my life as difficult as possible. I had never said anything about the mess she caused. As it turns out, the boss admitted to me that he chewed her a new one for her poor performance. Sadly, instead of owning her mistakes, and being pissed at the boss, she directed her anger toward me. Trust me, I'm not a narcissist, and I had no 'hate' toward her. Because of the boss's ham handed approach to the situation, I became her undeserving target. I just continue to be pleasant to her, and marvel at the length of her snit, going on 4 years now, would be a great record for the Guiness Book. So, it doesn't always take 2 to tango. Sometimes the hate is a one way street.
You mentioned no case above, maybe your enemy had better writing skills.
Hating someone because they were doing better due to talent and hard work is small minded to say the least. If you wanted to hate someone perhaps should be the bosses who gave her undeserved (in your opinion) praise. She has no 50% responsibility for your feelings or her bosses giving her more praise than she earned. Neither do people hold 50% responsibility if others are: jealous, insecure, angry, or distrustful, as for the other feelings unless they are indeed true they are in the eyes of the beholder and may not be valid. Applying your education in marriage and family therapy has not brought you to the right conclusions, it doesn't translate.
Do you actually think the average worker can identify a narcissist and then do what get out of their sphere of influence, quit or try to get a transfer?
I don't hate you though I do think you are being paid to do something you have neither the qualifications or aptitude to do well.
Nothing a well hidden sardine can't solve...
What does that mean?
I always feel that one cannot get along with every single co-worker. It's ok to not get along because it just means there are diverse ideas coming from different people which will only help the company. If we all agree on everything, then it would not challenge us individually.
In almost all cases, the person who complains about a whackjob co-worker will be the one fired. No boss wants to take on a crazy so they let the situation alone and hope it sorts itself out while everyone except the nutcase suffers. I have seen it several times.
Dear Allen:
You're right. If you complain, you're the one who get fired not the nut case especially if the nut case is a favorite of the boss. I have seen this over and over again.
Allen and Red Wolf, I am glad to learn of that information - so don't go complaining to my boss :P But I have fantastic co-workers. They are simply the best.
That's not always the case. We have a co-worker who has complained about another one on a weekly basis on the past year. Not only did they not fire her, but they promoted her to become the supervisor of the other co-worker, who had the same job title as she did at the time. Let me mention that no one in the office likes the complainer, even the office manager cannot stand her and her b!tching, but it boiled down to the quality of her work versus the quality of the work from the other, well-liked co-worker, so it's not always about the "favorite" of the boss.
The problem today is that very few people get to where they are because of hard work and talent. If they did so there would be a clear path to raises and promotions.
Nepotism is at an all time high and management often has no stake in whether the company succeeds or fails because the people above them do not. It's all about the next quarter and the next bonus. Who you have to grind into the ground to get it doesn't matter.
Just as you get the government you deserve you get the business you deserve. Unfortunately the so called "talent pool" for upper management just revolves from one company to the next leaving chaos and broken bodies in their wake.
What if the person you hate in your office is because they are rude and full of themselves. How do you deal with that kind of person. This guy doesn't introduce himself to new people he meets, he doesn't say thank you when you hold the door for him and if you say to him have a nice day or something of the likes he just looks at you and doesn't say a word back.
All I want to do to this guy is slap him in the back of the head and to say, "Learn some manners!" He also shares an office with me and makes it very awkward and uncomfortable in here.
I had a similar issue with an employ as rmj-1017. Turned out the guy had a very mild form of Autisim and was socially awkward. I learned that was the reason he did not look me in the eye or respond to me. I learned to cope and became friends eventually. I also had a new employee who turned out to be deaf in one ear and never responded to my good mornings! Once I found out, I made a point of looking her in the eye and saying good morning... big smile and a good morning back! You just never know!!
Dear Lisa Net Lust:
You made a good point. Sometimes, you never know.
rmj-1017, I have someone that's like that in my office. I know he's going through some personal drama but guess what? So am I, and that's no excuse for being rude. The best thing to do is to ignore him. Who knows, maybe some day, when he needs your help on something and receives it, he may come around and start being nice to you if he feels you've got his back.
I agree with Alex D. Ya know, back in the day when things weren't so savvy you could pop the hood of a car without the swat team showing up. Some well placed catfish stinkbait on the manifold would kind of let a guy know somebody might be a little pissed. God I'm glad I'm retired.
Some of the suggestions for coping with a co-worker you hate would imply that you are empowered to do so like, get a mentor to resolve the dispute between the two of you and get out of the sphere of the influence of the person you hate. What if the person you hate is over you as another manager? You can't get a mentor. You can't get them out of your "sphere of influence." These supervisors have so much power over their situations. It must be nice.
Sometimes, no matter how much you self-analyze and readjust your behavior, you just can't work with someone who "hates" you. You can't control their misogynistic, subversive or abusive behavior. You can only get even. When my nemesis made a comment that they were going to have their first colonoscopy the next day and starting their "clean out" drinks at work, I just said, "oh, that shouldn't be a problem......" Revenge was so sweet.
When someone gets praise for projects/ideas they didn't originate, then it's the boss's fault for not being more aware. When the employee accepts that praise and doesn't acknowledge who REALLY originated the idea, then it's the employee's fault. What others might call jealousy is really just a HUGE sense of injustice for not receiving praise when praise is due.
And I LOVE the sardine idea!
Useless BS of an article!
I completely understand the statement. "If you hate them they will hate you back". I was told a co-worker hated me, it shocked me and I never did find out why. So anyway, then I began to hate her back. Lucky for me, this person was so disruptive and had nothing nice to say about anyone in the office, she was fired. Sometimes there is justice in this world.
If you attempted any of these stupid ideas, especially if it were the boss, you would be in sh*t up to your boots.
There are people that are just plain hateful and it doesn't matter what kind of person YOU are, they are going to hate you anyway. Even bringing up the matter to a supervisor makes you look like the trouble maker, and believe me, the person that hates you will turn the tables and make trouble for you.
The writer of this article has NEVER been in a real situation like this or he would know that non of these "ideas" works, ever!
The best thing to do is just stay as far away from them as possible. Other wise just bring it up opens you for a law suit.
First of all using the word hate anytime is pure poison. Despise, dislike, etc. are feelings that happen. But if one truly has full outright hate, you are in serious emotional darkness and there's no advice anyone can give you.
That being said, if you are as good as you think you are, things do work out in a positive way if you manage to focus your energies on yourself and nurturing who you are. I had a co-worker I couldn't find anything good about to admire or like. This person was a good friend of the supervisor so nothing she did could ever be wrong. Once I found out that 95% of all the information she gave me was incorrect i quickly learned to create a network of people who did have the right answers and thereby totally bypassed her for everything. Not a vicious way. This person was also one of those anti Christmas people but only in the sense that there could be no Christmas tree in the office, but she wanted presents of course. We had nothing in common at all. I simply disliked her. In any event, as time went on layoffs happened and higher ups did, in fact, see her ineffectiveness and lack of importance. She was let go. Woo hoo.
Regarding having sit down discussions with people whom you have differences, whoa, watch out on that one. I tried that once, gotta be really, really careful. Some people are way hyper sensitive. I actually had my boss break down in tears over a very non forceful comment. Fruit loop she was. And I learned that she has emotional issues and can't have any form of discussions regarding differences.
When I realized how much more emotionally and psychologically strong I was, my pity for her weakness helped to me put up a veil between us. Not a wall mind you, just a nice veil. This way I can totally filter out her negativity and insecurity and go about things with a little song in my own heart. You really do have to just shine and have inner joy for as long as tolerable without risking your own sense of well being.
I've disliked many people I've worked with, but never, ever truly had poisonous hate towards anyone. And I never will because that kind of poison would harm me more than the person I felt it for.
Good reply. Keep your head down, work hard and well, and hope the right people notice. Love the "song in the heart" part. The song in my Christian heart goes something like this:
"this peace I have -- the world didn't give it to me. This peace I have -- the world didnt give it to me. This peace I have -- the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it, and the world can't take it away!"
I ran into this often in the military. The worst offender also had the best idea. He knew he was hated by virtually everyone and was in a position of authority over a large group. During a briefing one day he made the most insightful statement. He said that in our careers either ourselves, or the person we despised, would be moving on within six months so we should just suck it up. With vastly more freedom to change jobs in the civilian world, I think that's probably the only answer.
Ahhh...if it were only six months. Try six years.
Oh goodness, no. I have to disagree here. I don't think it is a good idea to bring up a personality conflict at work, ever. If someone is difficult to work with, focus on getting the project done and then try to avoid future projects involving that person by getting involved in other projects. If you are truly stuck with a disagreeable person, then focus on the work, maintain a purely business demeanor, avoid as much personal interaction as possible, and any attempt to steer a conversation into a conflict zone should be firmly steered right back to completing whatever the job is that needs to be done.
The other commenters are correct. If you approach a personality conflict head on, you will be labeled a trouble-maker and treated accordingly.
In addition, it is unwise to bring attention to another person's poor work performance, no matter how big or small, because accountability is a long-forgotten notion in business these days. Recall those days from university with team projects, where one or two people do all the work and drive the project and the others are hangers-on. The professor never wanted to hear it and management doesn't want to hear it, either. If you're a dissatisfied high achiever, then either lower your standards or try to find a company with higher standards.
It is also most often a bad idea to bring attention to a problem with the system or make suggestions for improving anything, unless that pertains specifically your job and it is recognized as such. Otherwise, you are inviting conflict and trouble. Assume the system is working just the way management wants it to work, and if you find the company mediocre or flush with unpleasant people, then try to take it day by day and remind yourself this is only temporary and do your best to move on.
Is management listening out there? These companies need to invest in an ombudsperson position so these problems can be smoked out in confidentiality and addressed! Good people and unrecognied high achievers are not going to stick around at a company whose management is willing to let this kind of poisonous atmostphere persist. These problem personalities need to be weeded out so the work force can flourish. 360 degree management needs to include an ombudsperson in the mix.
I agree with most of you especially Steven100. The writer doesn't know what she is talking about. People who write this fluff are into conflict resolution and just want the bad situation to go away no matter what. You want the reputation of " gets along well with everyone", " give willingly of his/her time ", " team player" etc. This requires that you overlook a lot of things. Some situations are beyond repair and it's best to ditch the unhealthy environment for a job where they might actually appreciate what you have to offer. Never deprive yourself of that experience. Do whatever it takes to relaunch.
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I personally feel that going postal is the wrong approach.
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People who are "truly focused on their work" will, by default, hardly notice the actions of those around them. When you perform well at your job, ignore ALL office gossip, develop solid inter-personal relationships with co-workers, peers and clients and behave professionally... anything negative anyone says about you will rarely carry much credibility.
It has always been my experience that the "most disagreeable and/or difficult people" are the way they are because of WHO they "truly dislike the most" and, more often than not, they have a "very poor self image" and "'truly dislike them selves".
It is NOT YOU they don't "get along with"... it is that person they see in the MIRROR.
I've found that by you "actually feeling sorry for THEIR poor self image" can go a long way to help you ignore their adolescent behavior.
Dang, I was hoping for real hints like how to silently immobilize your un-liked co-worker. How to get him/her reassigned to a remote sub-office (even perhaps causing remote sub-office to be built in the first place, in order to give unwanted co-worker a cold place to go).
Instead it's all this touchy-feely @!$%# that's of no use whatsoever. What's the point of hating a co-worker if you can't thrive on your despite?
I think one of the most underrated aspects of a job/company is the personality and the chemistry that a department has in their employees. I think this even can trump the value of experience and skill-level as far as the success of a department and achieving its goals. What is unfortunate is that sometimes the 1-5 interview(s)/10 page application/hiring process sometimes does not bring to light this characteristic of a potential employee as it is overlooked compared to years on the job, degrees, references, who you know, etc.
In a previous position, I interviewed with my future boss and on my first day I met my team-lead. So I had two bosses and that was fine, but has the weeks rolled around, it appeared that one of my co-workers (same level as I) was my third boss. This was not officially announced, basically because it was not true – but that never stopped this person from acting like one. This person had no problem telling you what to do, had no sense of email etiquette, and would question everything. My true bosses seemed to just put up with it – one of them even verbally referred to this person in a (non-dept) meeting as the sharepoint nazi.
Right now I am at a different company - in a department that clearly has one boss, everyone gets along well, and nobody is trying to be someone (or some position) that they are not. I hope this lasts a long time. This makes a big difference on the quality of our work, and our overall attitude.
You have to work with them not live with them. Do your job, if they need help and the boss ask you to help them then do it. never know one day you may be their boss and you can't just fire them you'll be tell them what to do and you will need them to do it.
I think that there are selfish @ssholes at every job. They aren't easy to deal with, especially if the so-called hated one is buddy-buddy with your immediate supervisor. I've had my share of putting up with the excuses for poor work habits and downright laziness, and trying to get the message across to deaf ears has me beating my head against the wall.
I tried to follow the "chain of command"; and this fruitless endevor was directly effecting productivity by waisting time (which IS money), waisting energy needed to complete quality products, and distracting everyone involved.
One thing I have learned throughout my trade is to avoid @ssholes. I do the best I can when I'm focused on the task at hand. Don't give ANY energy to the despised. Don't let someone else's lack of responsibility ruin yours. You can say your peice to whoever needs to hear it most, but only say it once. People don't like it when you continually point out their mistakes, and like others have said, you don't want to be "the complainer". Bosses have to many other things to deal with than a constant complainer. If, after putting it to the next-highest boss, things don't change, sardines on the manifold might get your point across, depending on where and who you work with and for. That simple satisfaction can get me smiling all the while as I'm pondering my next job... There are many ways to make the deserving @sshole say to him/her self "What the hell???
Revenge in underrated in my humble opinion.
This is why I decided to look for another way to make money! I work from home now and I didn't have to pay a dime to start working! Email me if you're ready to be your own boss! lamourznz@yahoo.com