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Subscribe to RSS"My request for an amicable split turned into 'War of the Roses' at the last minute," she said. Her husband, a 54-year-old paramedic, put a second mortgage on their house and hired an attorney to fight hers. None of this, said Chayra, has been easy on their two sons, who are 11 and 17. Her daughter from her first marriage, now 27, had moved out of the house before the trouble started.
Already owing plenty to an attorney, and fearing additional legal fees would destroy their nest egg and her healthcare business development firm in Las Vegas, Chayra declared a "truce" and is now in separation limbo. She plans to finalize the divorce when she feels more financially stable, perhaps at year's end. "It's unfair to everyone to be in a state of suspended animation," Chayra said.
As Chayra's case illustrates, repeat divorces can be complicated and financially more detrimental than first divorces.
There is an unfortunate dynamic in repeat divorces because they compete for resources that the first divorce is still consuming, experts said. Even after the $10,000 to $20,000 cost of a contested divorce, there are often lingering child-support costs and alimony, plus the hit of split retirement assets and paying taxes on capital gains from selling assets.
Yet the odds are that if you have been divorced once, you will divorce again, said David Pisarra, a Santa Monica attorney who practices family law. Oft-cited statistics paint the national lifetime probability of divorce at 50 percent for first marriages and at 67 percent for second marriages. For a snapshot of just one year, the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio analyzed 2010 data for Reuters and found that the overall divorce rate was greater for second marriages -- 17 out of 1,000 for first divorces and 24 out of 1,000 for multiple divorces.
Making matters worse has been the recession, observes Lynne Gold-Bikin, a family law attorney in Norristown, Pennsylvania, because people have fewer assets to split. "Everyone's investments have gone down, and the value of houses dropping has really skewed the whole distribution of assets."
The shrinking of financial portfolios has made it especially tough for spouses who wind up paying child support for children from multiple marriages. Depending on the state, courts can look at what money is available for support without taking into consideration the adult's other financial obligations. A twice- or thrice-divorced individual could easily have very little left over, especially if they are also paying alimony to multiple ex-partners and splitting up the assets.
All about the prenup
Because of everything that can go wrong if a second marriage fails, lawyers stress the importance of signing a prenuptial agreement, whether you are a multimillionaire film actor like Tom Cruise, or merely a nonfamous moviegoer who enjoys Cruise films.
"I've done prenups for people who really had nothing," said Janice Boback, a family and matrimonial lawyer in Chicago. "Some people just want a 50-50 division and say, 'let's just deal with it now,' and that's not a bad idea."
True, it can be difficult to imagine even broaching the topic to a future spouse, but Boback said it can save money in the long run. "When people get angry, reason goes out the window. And who gets the money then? We do."
Gold-Bikin recommends creating a contract that states what assets each party has going into the marriage, what assets each party will have if it ends, and if there is an income disparity between the two, how much the lower-income spouse will be receiving. A spouse with children from previous marriages may also want to designate some inheritance protections.
Of course, one might be tempted to forget about prenups and the second or third marriage altogether. Just live together without the vows.
That may turn out swell if you are both earning about the same amount of income. Boback cautions, however, "It's good for the person with all the stuff -- and money. But the person who takes care of the home or kids and has nothing of their own after, say, 10 years of living together and then splitting up? They're out of luck."
Splitting assets
Although prenups are ideal vehicles for making a second divorce go more smoothly, lawyers say they still see plenty of couples going through a second divorce without the prenup.
For people in that situation, Boback recommends collecting paperwork -- anything that shows what was yours at the start of the second marriage (with any luck you have been doing this all along). Then do a full analysis of your debts and liabilities, which is what Chayra did -- reining in her emotions and taking a good hard look at her portfolio -- before putting a temporary halt to her second divorce.
She decided her goal was not to obtain every dime she might have been entitled to, but simply to avoid being financially wiped out. "Be clear in your overall strategy but be willing to yield," Chayra advised "Money isn't everything when it comes to your health and happiness."
Gathering financial paperwork, especially if you are happily married, may sound daunting, but as Boback notes, "Most people keep a scanner on the desk, and they scan any important financial documents into the computer. They're often very accessible electronically, these days, which can help if things get really messy."
Long-term planning
One bit of solace for anyone struggling through a second divorce, or even a fifth: You probably will not lose a dollar of your Social Security income. If you are divorced and not remarried, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receive benefits based on your spouse's record, even if that spouse has remarried and even if that spouse has not filed yet for his or her own benefits.
And when splitting up assets, consider that what you pass on might be more important in the long term than what is going on right now. Peter McAlevey, a movie producer and former Walt Disney Studios vice-president, fought his wife over their Malibu, California, house during his second divorce. He finally suggested that they dole out the pain equally: Sell the house and put the profit from the sale into their two teenagers' college funds. She agreed.
"I do think there are relatively sane outs to all these problems," said McAlevey. "You just need to be creative about it."
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I think that the airlines should put a window in the toilet rooms so we can enjoy the view when we pull the flush handle.
What does this post have to do with this article? I do remember reading something about peoples' preference to sit in window seats, but that was an entirely different article.
I agree. I also would like to be able to open that window as I smoke a cig on the throne.
I have a better idea, make pre nup agreements a mandatory part of the marriage licence process.
That will take the stigma out of addressing the issue with your partner and everyone will be better off for it in the future, whether you stay married or do in fact get divorced.
Right on, tombones. Many men are bullied out of pre-nups by women using phrases such as "Don't you love me? Do you plan to divorce me? I see a pre-nup as a trust issue." The reason they bully the man into marriage without a pre-nup is because they see a man's contribution to the marriage, even that which he earned before the marriage as theirs. Now, of course, her money is her money.
I have an idea - don't take vows in the presence of your friends, family, and God, such as "I promise for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part", and then throw in the towel when things get rough.
Too many people enter into marriage without truly committing to the work that a marriage requires. We're all human and we all make mistakes; none of us is perfect. If you loved someone so much that you were willing to go to the expense of getting married and willing to take vows before everyone you know, then you owe it to yourself, your spouse, your family, and your friends to do whatever it takes to hold a marriage together.
When I married 17 years ago, the man I married was a different man than he is today. He changed, and I would not marry the man I'm married to now, knowing what I would be put through and knowing how he would change. But he is the father of my children, and I agreed to stay married to him "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death due us part", and I intend to honor those vows. My husband has problems that could probably be best dealt with by a psychiatrist, but he refuses all help. I take care of him because I vowed that I would do so. Is it what I envisioned when I got married - hell no - but I made a commitment to this man; he is a part of my life; I will stay with him until death due us part. You can't divorce your family, and he is my family; we cleaved unto one another when we got married. Divorce is simply not an option.
Too many people get divorced in this country. Unless you're being beaten and/or verbally abused, I see no reason to ever divorce. And Lord knows, if you do end up divorced, why in the world would you EVER marry again. God says you're married until death due you part, regardless of a divorce.
If you hate your husband so much you should divorce him so he can find someone who doesn't dread being around him. You'r not doing anyone any favors here, he's probably miserable and needs a shrink because he has a wife who doesn't love him and can't stand to be around him.
You're a saint (or close to being one anyway).
Unfortunately, most of us do not have your convictions or fortitude.
All the best to you.
Marriage partners are not uniform. Some are more tolerant, sentimental, emotional, fickle and finicky, etc.
And people sometimes change for worse, or better.
A pre-nuptial agreement is necessary to guard against many of the unpleasantries of a divorce. The article failed to mention that in many states, especially in California, the nation's capital for divorce, requires each partner to be represented by an attorney during the preparation of the pre-nuptial contract. Otherwise, the pre-nuptial agreement is void.
The pre-nuptial should establish ownerships of current assets and liability as well as future ones. In some states, alimony can be modified by pre-nuptial. Child-support is a state interest, governed by legislation and hence, cannot be superceded by a pre-nuptial.
I thought that too until I married a man that not only didn't love me but loves someone else. You think marriage is hard when you love each other, you should try it when you don't. He broke the vows when he didn't love me. But I still believe marriage can be great. Its about picking the right person and doing the work.
Well, as lovely as it was to read your self-righteousness splayed out for all of us to see, some people who get a divorce are not simply "throwing in the towel." Is it better to subject your children to a loveless home? Is it better to stay in a marriage that makes you miserable? I think it's disgusting for someone to sit on their high horse and judge other people. HOw dare you. You have no idea what goes on in other people's lives and to sit there and say divorce is simply the inability to suck it up and deal with it is revolting.
She's not a saint. She is a volunteer to her victim-hood. Some people enjoy the role of long-suffering martyr. It has nothing to do with convictions or fortitude. It's just stupidity on her part. Sadly, it is her children who will suffer from her idiotic decision to stay with the worthless POS she married.
jillyjill wrote :"Sadly, it is her children who will suffer from her idiotic decision to stay with the worthless POS she married"
It is more likely that they were married because he was the primary financial contributor, and even in a state of decline, he has enough money to provide such that she does not need to work for money.
Is a woman with a progressive mental illness a worthless POS that should be dumped? how about one that was not capable of producing a child within a marriage?
Most men believe that a woman that doesn't produce two children in a marriage is a bad deal. This is the primary reason that men dump barren wives for younger women as well as avoid marrying women over the age of 34.
you silly silly woman, why would you live unhappily, simply because of words you made in front of your loved ones. God understands the limits of human tolerence and ultimately only wants you to be happy in the ONE life he has given you. If he is not the man you thought he was and regardless of how long it took you to figure this out, you owe it to yourself and your children to ne happy. Anything else is called learned helplessness and MISERY. get a clue
Wow - I never imagined I would stir so many emotions. It's sad that some people resort to calling other people names; I've never understood that. Name calling is something children do, not adults.
I'm not in a loveless marriage, and my husband had $0 money when we married. Even in better times, I always earned more than him, and today he cannot work, so I am the sole financial provider. But I am not miserable. My youngest son would have been devastated if I had divorced my husband. The kids were never abused in any way, and were very young during the dark period of our marriage, and for that reason, have virtually no memory of there being any discord. I don't have any fantasy that Mr. Wonderful is out there waiting for me. In fact, even if we do ultimately divorce, which is highly unlikely, I would NEVER re-marry again. I've seen the divorcee's re-marry and bring children into it and then divorce again - what a mess it is for the children. Call me self-righteous if you want to; call me stupid, or whatever else that makes you feel better about yourself. I'm good with God, my children, and even my husband. I don't hate him - and I don't know why anyone would say that. He is the father of my children.
Well said.....
Thanks Dan!
WOW Carnival games are rigged and multiple divorces cause financial hardship, MSNBC is really on the bleeding edge of investigative reporting today.
Until you have had a spouse completely destroy everything you ever worked for you really can't pass judgement on those who choose divorce. As a divorced woman I have the right to marry again and be happy with someone who truly loves me, people change. It's a rather narrow minded view to think marriage is forever. You can't always control the other person's actions. I couldn't. Life is too short to stay locked in a loveless marriage on principle.
" It's a rather narrow minded view to think marriage is forever."
LMFAO tonya, maybe this is why you're divorced. If you get married again I would think you would be divorced again. Why not just live together? Why bother getting married if you don't think it's forever? And why take vows if you have no intention of taking them seriously?
I agree. My mom divorced by father after he tried to punch my teenage sister and did punch me brother who stopped them from beating my sister up. He was a bipolar alcoholic. Later he tried to kill her and myself despite her efforts to be nice and permit him to visit his kids. She got slammed in court by the judge because she worked and had a college education and my father didn't (went to school at night, paid for it herself, worked full-time). She was on the verge of bankruptcy anf foreclosure for years despite working 3 jobs. Until you walk in some else shoes, don't judge. I am sure if she did not opt for divorce, we would all be dead at his hand.
tonya:
You're right.
You're not doing yourself or the other partner a favor by staying in a failed marriage. Unshackle each other and let each other move-on and pursue their goals.
Unfortunately, too many spouse uses divorce as a tool to punish the other.
DIVORCE - especially "no fault" - is one of the MOST detrimental problems in our society today causing so many social ills.
Marriage, like all things, takes commitment and work - and we have a society full of selfish people who expect to be handed their "happiness" with little work on their part.
Divorce should be rare, and only for warranted circumstances. This cr@p of "not happy anymore" & "we've changed & grew apart" or "I've found someone else" etc. just shows us how selfish and self-centered our society is today and how much so many people expect to "get" without "giving".
Children of divorce face many social, economic, and emotional problems. Society spends BILLIONS of dollars on social services to make up for the breakup of the nuclear family.
We can teach all the "anti-bullying" and "work hard" and "be kind" etc in schools, but when the family falls apart - actions speak louder than words about faithfulness, integrity, kindness, and hard work.
But the family doesn't fall apart when the parents get divorced, its when they stop loving each other. Kids in families where the parents stay together for the kids but don't love or care about each other do just as poorly.
FloridaLou,
Yes and no. "Love" as an emotion has its ups and downs, waves and wanes. Its can be there when we are feeling happy, but gone when things in life depress us or stresses us. The emotion helps but isn't always necessary.
Families fall apart when the verb "Love" - the "action word" is not longer there. When we stop smiling at our spouse or children, when we stop treating them with kindness, when we stop showing our love by being affectionate and treating them with respect. In other words, when our pride and hurt and selfishness come first.
I think many people forget what reality is - we are so caught up with the fantasy on television . . . the "happily ever after" with no work on our part because everything is the all important emotion.
Stephen King said it best in "The Eye of the Dragon" -
How do we deal with our spouse when the toilet overflows, the basement gets flooded, the car breaks down, etc? That is "real" life and marriage should not be based on the "emotion" of the moment.
Right on the money here.
@ my opinion1 - thank you for your wise words. Perhaps you put it better than me, so you didn't get the vitriolic responses that I received; ugly, hateful comments. I agree with every single thing you said, which is why I commented the way I did (see above). Divorce is selfish where children are concerned. There are so many weak excuses, i.e. we're not happy anymore, we grew apart, he/she changed.
It takes two adults to make a marriage work. If one of the adults is really a child deep down inside, I can see how a marriage would fail and result in divorce. The only justifiable reason for divorce as far as I am concerned is if one spouse is physically, verbally, mentally abusive to the family, as someone mentioned above. No person should have to be subjected to violence of any kind - that's where I draw the line.
Say whaaaa?!?! Divorce can be costly and ugly??? Say it ain't so!
Slow news day? Or is this legal advice for morons?
I love how MSNBC finds the rare case of divorce where the woman presumably makes more than the man. And even though she has custody of her first child and presumably received child support/alimony prior to her second marriage, now faces the case where she may have to pay some money to her ex...welcome to the world men have lived in for decades. Divorce is unfortunate and I hope that I never have to go thru it (though I have had friends and family go thru it), but being vindictive never helps...everyone is struggling now, and put it this way, if you want your ex to go bankrupt, to punish him/her...where is the alimony going to come from?
I was thinking the same thing. Leave it to MSNBC to publish a story on an issue that is blatantly skewed against men and highlight how tough it might be for a woman....... boo hoo!!
Sometimes, men deserve what they get in a divorce deal. But sometimes, they get royally screwed even if the divorce was due to the wife's behavior. Bottom line, every man with even a small amount of assets should get a prenup if their spouse is coming into the marriage with nothing. Huge salary gaps is another good reason for a prenup.
Dude's gotta protect what's his! Like the song says..... "I'm not sayin' she's a golddigga............"
Many people put more thought and planning and effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
If you the reaon you want to marry someone is because you are "in love" with them, then think again and ask yourself some important questions:
When the feeling of "in love" (which is the chemical oxytocin produced by your body) passes, and you going to be able to ACT love (which is the verb) toward your spouse?
Those "dumb" questions that good matchmakers, some parents, pre-cana and arranged marriagers ask:
Are you willing to take care of your spouse if s/he becomes ill or disabled - for the rest of your life?
Have you discussed having and raising children?
Do you have the same values on fidelity, teamwork, honesty, etc?
What are your money issues and goals? Spending vs saving goals? Retirement income?
Does your perspective spouse have any addiction problems? gambling? porn?
Health issues? STD's? HIV? Family health?
Do you or your fiance come from divorced families? Divorced parents INCREASE the children's risk of divorce. If one or both of you do, SERIOUS pre-marriage counseling is almost necessary.
Did one of your parents cheat on the other? Children learn what is "acceptable" from their parents, and a cheating parent INCREASES the risk that one of their children will justify cheating when things get rough.
Did one of you grow up with an abusive parent? When stress occurs through life, we fall back on patterns that we are taught as children even if we think it was wrong then.
Many questions to ask and answer. Today we jump into bed without the serious talking. Perhaps before you marry, you need to do the talking and answering first and save the sex for the honeymoon.
When I got divorced, I took less in child support than I could have because I didn't want my ex to lose the house. I was a stay at home mom so I haven't worked for over 20 years. I can't even find a minimum wage job and the lump sum alimony is running out fast. I have no health insurance because he had to remove me from his policy. So he makes about a quarter million a year and the amount he gives me doesn't even cover rent on my apartment.
If he makes $250k /yr and you took less money and now can't support yourself whatsoever then you dear are STUPID! Where's your house? Oh right.. he's got it!
This is exactly the reason why all human beings should work. Staying home and depending on someone else (husband or wife) is for the birds. thank God I worked since i came to this country and now I have a decent pension coming, social security and my savings. In today's world it is not a good idea to depend on anyone for financial support. You are held hostage.
Divorces are hard because people are nasty, vindictives a$%holes that think they're entitled. When I divorced my first husband I let him keep all kinds of things I could've taken, including his military retirement. I had been a stay at home mom but was in the process of going back to work and I thought it in the kids best interest if their dad was ok financially. My now ex took my offer to an attorney who told him to take it because a court would never give him a deal like that, so he did. I did not ask for alimony, just the house until I could get on my feet and appropriate child support. I make decent money now and don't ask him for anything else, including the medical and dental bills he's supposed to pay half of as I'm remarried and my husband also works. I recently gave him a break on child support as my day care bills have decreased since our divorce so I split the difference with him. He bought our house off of me for a very good deal, once again for the boys. My ex was angry and vindictive himself for a long time and to this day I don't understand why; he wasn't happy being married to me either. Seriously people, if the marriage is over so be it; just move on. Too many people point fingers and overestimate what they're entitled to; sometimes things just don't work out. Pay what is costs to get your life back because life is too short to spend it fighting over things that don't matter.
Liz, it's not a "break" if your expenses decrease and your child support needs are less. That is what should happen! Unfortunately, most women try to squeeze every penny out of a guy and then act like he is the vindictive one when he finally says enough is enough.
Look, I believe you when you say your ex was an @$$. I'm sure he was and it sounds like you have been more than reasonable. But what I object to is when courts punish one party over the other under the guise of "fairness". People argue that the spouse who earned less is entitled to the same "lifestyle" he/she had during the marriage. I agree with that except when the lower earning spouse (usually the wife) ends up living in the nice house, with the better car and amenities while the husband can barely pay rent and has to work two jobs just to survive. That isn't fairness........ it's judicial abuse.
Ice, different people have different definitions of "fairness". My expenses in general have not decreased, if anything they have increased with medical and orthodontal bills but the day care decreased; he's getting a much better deal then if he gave me all of the child support and paid his half of the doctor/teeth bills, but once again it is good for our kids if he's doing ok financially and I'm a live and let live/life's too short kind of person. My goal wasn't to ruin him, just to not be married to him and to make sure our boys were taken care of. That's it. Unless someone is wealthy it is difficult to properly support kids and also support two households. It's not the wife that's living in the nice house, it's the kids who usually go with the wife. This is partly because even with both parties working women still pick up most of the child care duties. This is beginning to change and more men are doing their part of child care and more men are getting custody and in that case, HE should have the nice house. Ideally, both parents have a nice place to live.....nobody should be barely scraping by while the other has nice stuff. Unfortunately there is often no good answer.
I know several divorces where THE KIDS got the house and the parents live with the kids during their share of the parenting time. Both parents have separate apartments for themselves and new lives, but during their time with the kids, they move into the family home where the kids get to live in their own rooms, go to their own schools, and maintain their lives. The parents new partners are free to come to the family home with them, and they have rooms to use.
Of course, this only works when the parents are able and willing to work with each other, but it is a nice solution.
And my parents still wonder why I am 32 and never been married...
My opinion is that divorce happens because 1. you don't know each other well enough and 2. selfish immature people that live in a lala land get married.
I give my son and daughter in law two years tops. They knew each other less then a 3 months when they got engaged. She is immature, and he lives in lala land and thinks she will mature and evenutally want the lifestyle he does.
I just smile and wish them well. And pray daily that no children are born.
Actually I would argue the primary reason for divorce is that marriage is no longer viewed as a business arrangement that brings business and family together; it was viewed like this for thousands of years and there have always been selfish and immature people. In arranged marriages the couple often met the day of the wedding. Marriage is now viewed as an arrangement of love, and love is a funny thing; with this comes the idea that you should be ecstatic all of the time and if you're not you should just split up. The opportunity for divorce is a mixed bag, just like no divorce; it allows people to get out of abusive or one sided marriages, but also allows people to get out because because they're not happy at a particular time. Nothing is perfect.
married 1 time . wife left me for another man. never get married again.
Sorry... I hope your ex gets what she deserves.
Excellent. I say once divorced, no more marriage. For people over 50 years old, staying single is the best thing. Stay occupied with your life doing interesting things and forget about marrying someone new who has his/her own family and own problems to bring to the table. Have a companion to go out with and socialize and at the end of the day each go home separately. That is my present day philosophy.
Interesting how this becomes a "Story" when it happens to a woman! Where was this story before? Cause all men are bastards and deserve it right? Not!
This is a much more helpful way to go through a divorce.
uptoparents dot org
proudtoparent dot org
Of course you should have a prenup, it doesn't mean a divorce will ever happen, but if a divorce does happen it gets rid of alot of the problems and makes lawyer fees much simpler also.
Why would anybody with two ounces of sense get married in the first place, you can provide way more than half the assets to the marriage and still wind up in the poor house due to archaic property laws....did it once, never again.
If someone is going through a third, fourth, fifth, etc. divorce, then they need to stop getting married. In fact, they should have stopped after divorce #2. Yes, we all make mistakes and we all deserve another chance. But some people just lack the ability to learn from their mistakes. If it didn't work out the first two times it most likely won't work out the third+ time. Best to remain single and happy than to keep employing the same bad techniques of poor judgement.
jillyjill wrote "Sadly, it is her children who will suffer from her idiotic decision to stay with the worthless POS she married."
Did the woman ever use those words to describe her husband?
You echo the trend that having a heterosexual man, father or not, in the house for more than six years is no longer in vogue. Women file for 70% of divorces. Imagine if just as many men dumped their wives, stole the asset and kids.
I say they should have stopped after divorce No. 1.
divorce courts are 100% BIASED for women and or against the bread winner who will pay all the costs to the scum bag court system/lawyers and to the nonworking shopping money spender, i clean the house so i deserve it- spouse.
If you make good money and marry; the party who benefits is the non worker who just WON the lottery and can ruin the WORKER/breadwinner anytime she sees fit. In fact many women use marriage/divorce as their occupation. It pays great for doing nothing; but youre every day chores you would do if you were not married.
IT IS A potential SCAM.
So a financial adviser tells you he has a deal where you put ALL your money and assets up and future earnings too and you have a 50% chance of losing half your assets in ten years or you may breakeven and not lose 50% as long as your partner decides to stay in the deal. Does this sound like a good investment? This is what marriage is to men....and also confirms how STUPID men are for ever signing a deal this biased and it kills me how men could be so GD dumb.
Never marry unless she makes more than you.
Fake media propaganda rebuttal wrote "Never marry unless she makes more than you."
According to a study published in "Forbes", marrying a woman that makes more money increases your chances of divorce. The tipping point is when the woman makes 20% more, and the divorce rate in that income spread spikes 40%. So, if you want to live full-time with your kids, DO NOT marry a woman that makes more money.
Divorce, family and criminal courts ensnare men primarily due to their ability to pay fines, lawyers and feed the system of court monitors, psychologists, counselors and "synergistic facilitators."
ok so i'll adjust my comment to marry one that makes about what you do and then you can keep it even and if it blows up then she cant financially RAPE YOU!!!!!!! like most women and courts do even if it is 100% biased...........my point is men are stupid to even participate in this biased BS system.
Child support is a different animal but it should be 50/50 and no child support either unless you could be PROVEN UNFIT instead of this women get custody BIASED BS that men are IDIOTS to ACCEPT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Agreed. Marriage is a vehicle for material fulfillment for women. A loser man is one that doesn't make 20% more than she does. A winner is one that makes so much money that she is not required to work another day in her life.
Divorce is like standing naked in a hailstorm: it hurts and can get very personal.
I think 25 years is long enough to realize that the woman has had you by the "short and curlies", for all those years and that you need to cut your losses, admit you were a sucker and try to salvage what's left of your life. I believe in love, but I also believe in happiness. I will not be unhappy because of a decision I made in my early twenties. You just get to a point where you don't care what she gets or how much, all you want is to get away from her. Guys let nothing stand in the way of your happiness. take care of your responsibilities, but take it from someone who has been married 25 years, "death due you part", is for suckers.
Marriage is an outdated concept. I think instead of death do you part you should have 1 to 5 year contracts with the ability to not renew if it is not going well. Custody of the kids should go to the higher wage earner or negotiated. The property and retirement assets should go to the person who paid into it. Women should work and pay their fair share then keep what they put into it. As far as sex and housework goes..well, that could be the deal breaker when it comes to renewing the contract. I'm not bitter but I'm not as stupid as I was 20 years ago. And I will never get married again!
You're describing the current state of the American Six Year marriage with women filing for 70% of divorces. Men are hesitant to enter marital commitments. Women are hesitant to keep them.
This is a nightmare scenario -- if you didn't get a pre-nup, looking into a POST-nuptial agreement. It's the same basic thing, but can only cover asset division, etc. since the wedding day. Still, for a situation like this one, it may have helped.
If you get divorced a second time you deserve to have it taken.