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Brett Deering for msnbc.com
Dustin Baylor closes his eyes while playing with his sons Paxton, 6, left, and Garrison, 4, after work at their home Friday, June 8, 2012 in Enid, Okla.
Dustin Baylor knew from the time he was in elementary school that he wanted to be a doctor.
All his life, he also wanted to be a dad.
What he wasn’t able to appreciate until adulthood was how challenging it might be to be awakened by his pager going off with a medical emergency just as often as by one of his three children having a bad dream, needing to go to the bathroom or just falling out of bed.
Baylor was one of dozens of dads who wrote to TODAY.com about doing it all: Excelling at work, raising kids, taking care of household chores and finding some time to spend with their spouse or partner.
Almost every dad we heard from said they wouldn’t want it any other way, although many conceded they sometimes struggle to make it through the day -- and night.
“I often feel overwhelmed trying to do it all," Baylor wrote. "I love my wife, my job and my family. But whereas men in past generations emphasized being a provider first and foremost, I think modern fathers take on many more roles."
The juggle between work and home life has long been a hot topic for women, many of whom have known from early on that they would work and raise children – and may even have watched their own moms do the same thing.
But many young dads are choosing to take a role in their home life that is more active than seen in any generation before, said Brad Harrington, executive director of the Boston College Center for Work and Family. That means they can be both less prepared for, and less adept at, juggling both roles.
“I think they are working really without a script,” Harrington said.
Related: Dad's survey shows fathers just want a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T
What’s clear is that more dads want to figure it out. Harrington and other researchers have noticed a clear and pervasive shift toward more dads choosing to do everything from change diapers to chaperone field trips.
“The expectation on the part of most fathers is they’re going to be much more engaged than their father was,” Harrington said.
And as more women work, and bring in a bigger chunk of the family’s earnings, Harrington notes that men also are finding that their spouses expect them to pitch in more on chores including laundry, dishes and grocery shopping.
“The expectation is, ‘I can’t do it all and you’re going to have to share,’” Harrington said.
Yet employers have not necessarily caught up with the evolving roles men are playing at home, leaving many feeling caught in the middle. A landmark study by the Families and Work Institute, released in 2009, found that dads actually feel more conflict between home and work life than moms do.
Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, said the research showed that even as home lives become more egalitarian, men continue to feel pressure to fill the traditional provider role by putting in long, hard hours at work.
Galinsky says the weak economy and high jobless rate likely have exacerbated the financial pressures.
“We expect that it will either maintain or increase the conflict that men experience,” she said.
Brett Deering for msnbc.com
Dustin Baylor and his family on in Enid, Okla. Baylor is among a new generation of dads trying to 'do it all.'
Tending to patients, and kids
Baylor, 34, and his wife, a physical therapist pursuing her doctorate, have three kids ages 6, 4 and 1. On a typical day, that means the couple has to get kids to daycare, a pre-K program and kindergarten before heading out for their own work days.
In the afternoon, Baylor’s wife picks up their oldest son from school and drops him off at Baylor’s medical practice, then goes back to finish up her workday. That means Baylor and his nurse, who also has a child to watch in the afternoons, have their children in the office as they finish up their work day.
Baylor admits it can be a challenge when the kids want to run down the halls while he has patients to attend to. But he describes fondly the way his son stands on the back of his chair, chatting about the school day, while he does office work.
He recently brought more toys into his home office so his kids can be nearby when he’s on call or dealing with paperwork.
“I’m actually used to working with kids orbiting,” he said.
The desire to be an active parent is one of the reasons Baylor opted to have a family practice in Enid, Okla., rather than join a hospital staff. The decision has meant less money but more flexibility to have a child at work or take off on a family vacation.
That’s one of many ways in which Baylor is different from his own dad, who worked as a mail carrier while his mom mostly stayed home while he was younger.
But it still can be hard to juggle. Baylor and his wife decided to have kids while he was a chief medical resident, and he says he wishes he had been able to help his wife out more in those early days. Another struggle came when his middle son started having seizures because of a rare health problem. He is doing fine now.
“I wish I could say that I have no regrets at all, but that really wouldn’t be true. I wish I could have taken more time to just be a dad when my first son was born. I wish I could have been around constantly to shelter my second son when all those seizures were happening instead of meeting him in the emergency room. I already wish I had even more time with my daughter individually, which is not a unique problem for the youngest child of any family,” he wrote in his response to TODAY.com.
Like a lot of dads, Baylor rarely gets time for date nights or other quality time alone with his wife.
While many face the same struggle, few have to go to the lengths John Martin does to be both a father and a spouse.
‘You just get a little exhausted’
Martin, 45, received an e-mail from his high school sweetheart, whom he hadn’t heard from in 27 years, soon after his marriage ended. When they finally met up nearly a year later, a whirlwind weekend together was all it took for them to realize they still had the feelings they’d had at age 16, and within a month they were engaged.
But there was one big problem: Martin and his kids live in Denver, while his new wife and her kids live in the Seattle area.
Even as he made plans to remarry, Martin said he didn’t want to give up his major role as a parent to his two young girls. (He shares custody with their mother.)
“I was always changing diapers and putting them to bed and doing all the things that I think dads do these days,” he said. “It would be inconceivable for me not to have them at least half the time.”
To maintain his relationship with his kids and build a relationship with his new wife and teenage stepchildren, either Martin or his new wife fly back and forth to be with their spouse nearly every week. They’ve maintained that routine for close to two years, and Martin has cut his employment to 80 percent of full-time to balance it all.
“The way it worked was to leave the kids alone and to kind of rotate around them,” he said.
Martin savors watching his girls play softball and going out for family pizza night and says that while he loves his job as a lawyer, his wife and kids come first.
Still, the challenge of maintaining two households and commuting across several states can be disorienting, and tiring.
“You run low on energy in a way that your children can’t possibly understand,” he said. “Then you are a little less patient, a little less this, a little less that. You just get a little exhausted.”
The ‘all-encompassing man’
Anthony Noriega, 33, also sometimes finds himself struggling to keep up with the hectic schedule of raising four kids with his wife, who takes care of the kids and goes to school.
Like many parents, Noriega describes a life that can be a dizzying whirlwind of cooking, paying bills and getting everyone to bed after a long day at work as a web marketing specialist in Boise, Idaho.
Writing to TODAY.com, he described “the mystique of this elusive, all-encompassing man: The bread winner, the great father who engages in every aspect of their child’s lives, the super husband who can whip out a dinner with no trouble and still pay attention to his hard-working wife.”
He admits it doesn’t always go perfectly smoothly. But Noriega said his own parents struggled with addiction, and he knew from the time he was a teenager that he wanted to get married and raise his own family in a very different way. He may pine for a quiet moment, but he has no regrets about how things have turned out.
“My priorities are providing a stable foundation for my kids growing up (and) not having to worry about whether or not they’re going to have school clothes, food on the table - the things that I had to deal with as a kid,” he said in an interview.
Some dads wrote to TODAY.com to remind us that not all of them have that struggle. Scott Bouma, 35, and his wife have four kids and his wife stays home full-time.
The fact that his wife is a stay-at-home mom means that Bouma, a software engineer who lives in Helena, Mont., feels he can spend time with his family at night or on the weekends instead of dealing with a list of chores and errands he imagines dads with working spouses face.
“I feel like I’m definitely the other side,” he said in an interview. “I’m a dad who doesn’t feel pressure to do all that stuff.”
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I like that there is discussion about what real men do. I'm not in the boat with the men who are just finding out how tough it is to be Super Dad. I have to credit my mom and 2 sisters who raised me to think of my wife when it comes to helping with the traditional roles we all have in household, work, and kids. We (my wife and I) have never bought into that so I have always cooked, the boys and I do laundry, as well as clean. You just have to incorporate it in their train of thought from day one. We do not see it as men vs women in out home. It is all our jobs to do these things, make time for each other, and sit down to dinner together. A few examples: Friday is family fun night, or can be feed yourself Friday. Both of these options give room for adjustment , gives mom a break from cooking, family is together, and has taught the boys to be a bit more thoughtful as well as self sufficient. We all play a part in holding it toghter as a Family Unit!!
My (ex-) wife went back to work as a night shirt ICU nurse 6 weeks after our daughter was born, and I was suddenly on my own as the primary caregiver/parent. I learned fatherhood on the fly. When we divorced I got custody.
My daughter's 16 now, and I can say with all honesty I never had so much fun in my life until I became a father. And I didn't become one until I was 48.
It's been 9 years since I was given the opportunity to be a single Dad to 4 great kids. At the time they were 9 months, 3, 5, and 8 years old. They are now 10, 12, 15, and 18. I am the first to admit that it isn't always easy and it doesn't always go according to your plans...but as my own father once told me, "If you ever want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." I have a successful career as a manager for a great company, I have maintained a relationship with the same woman for the past 7 years, I am organized to the nines and I challenge even the worst neat freak out there to come by our home unannounced and criticize it's level of cleanliness or organization. I love the fact that I can hunt and fish with my boys and that I know that my daughters foundation numbers are 440 and 435 respectively. (Although I think the 440 could go to the 435 depending on the season and her level of tan) I like that I know that the boys prefer boxers and skate shoes and that the girls like the thin pads for that special time of the month and flats not heels. (And I have no issues buying either of them even if someone announces a price check over the PA) Although I have never shouted my marital status from the rooftops, eventually my employer did find out and has been amazingly supportive. Add to the mix that I was diagnosed about 3 years ago with MS and I begin to understand that my Dads earlier comment is dead-on. Bottom line is this...Everyone has a person inside of them that would surprise even themselves. Who we are and what we do is sometimes more a matter of being put in a position where there aren't other choices or at the very least, limited choices. Whether they are successful or not I respect all single parents who at least "Try" It isn't easy, it isn't always rewarding, and sometimes you feel like your life is 99% "Have To" and 1% "Want To" But in the end I may be responsible for 30 million dollars in revenue of a 100 million dollar a year company, but that pales in comparison to being responsible for what could potentially be, a future president, a soldier that will protect us all, a singer that will entertain us, or a pediatrician that may someday save your child's life. That is the bigger picture, and if that is the 1%...I will take it. Mike
Sadly half of America mocks a man who is a great father to his children in aspects other than being a "provider". I'm proud to be a good dad and love putting effort into raising my daughter.
I was raised by my father, so of course he did everything and we helped. However, my grandparents were married, my friend parents were married, uncles and so on. I always saw these men go to work and still come home and clean the garage, cars, mow the yard, trim hedges, change oil, do home repairs, fix the kids bicycles...etc. Since when did men strictly "just" go to their jobs in this country? Geez, even for fathers day they have to bash men. Absolute malarchy. Interesting though, I saw very few, if any, women doing any of the chores I mentioned above. So, why is that men need to partake in said chores, when women arent being asked by men, the media or anyone else to get up on the roof and fix that leak?
For the record, I am now a single father of three boys and I have been doing it all for 8 years now. Full time job as a federal correctional officer and go to school full time online and still maintain the yard, house, car, kids...etc. It's not really that hard if you can put aside the cheetos, remote control and get off the couch.
Try doing it alone. I take care of my daughter cook clean and shop plus work my butt off.
There is big differences when it comes to a single mother than a single dad raising his kids.
I know because I have no family here and no mother figure for my two girls since they were three and seven. Now they are twenty two and eighteen.
Public view is that shows like Opra and shows like that is geared towards single mothers , but never do they think that there are single dads doing the same things as single mother. Even mothers dont think that a single dad can provide for there kids like women can. The little things I have seen and heard will tell you this,, but if you never walked in the shows of a single parent then you will never know. I feel for the mothers out there , just as well the dads. Dont all you women think that we cant be just as good as a parent , because I did and proud to have accomplished what I did.
The part that moms and dads go threw is meeting someone that is responsible enough to put your kids before your relationships that you might have when you are raising your kids. Mothers go threw this as well as the single dads. If you are a bad parent, I would not want to a bad parent or has bad parenting skills. Believe me , there are bad parents that have two parents in a house hold. Taking things for granted.
So the hardest part of being a parent is finding someone that can raise there kids and know how to be a parent and have the time to meet others that know how to be a parent and can have a relationship as well. That is how its hard for the parent after and during being a single parent.
I don't see too many of the men commenting on this issue struggling. Most of us do see the big picture, we are not our father's generation, and will do our part in providing(financials) as well as supporting( doc appt's, sports practice, homework, counselling) our children. Time to recognize ladies!! We(atleast most men) step up to the plate and still knock it out the part at night. A salute to all the men doing it regardless if it is recognized by all. Our kids will be the product of a better society that they are leading from having dads who show them what's really going on. Go Men!!
I guess
I'm pretty lucky...my daughter and son in law work for our family business so I get to see the 3 grandsons just about everyday after school and during vacations...they even have an office with a TV and video games right next to mine...I love spoiling them too...
My wife and I both work full time jobs, but I choose to be actively involved in my children's lives as well as in our home life. On most days, I get up around 4am to exercise and have "Me Time", fix breakfast for the family, take the children to school, pick them up after school, do groceries on Saturdays (with children in tow mind you), and try to have a "Daddy's Night Out" with the children once a week. It makes for a very busy and exhausting life for me personally, but it allows my wife and I to have more of a balanced home life for us as a couple. I wouldn't want it any other way!
There are countless men who have not just been fathers, but dads, to their children and never made headline news. I'm just surprised that some of them are just now awakening to the fact that this requires a lot of juggling and two-stepping.
Finally Men are feeling the pinch that women have felt for ever.
word of advise Raised to great women Keep it simple
dont try to have it all. dont try to do it all and stay married. cant be selfish its not about you.
If you want your kids to be healthy in mind body and soul.
we dont come first or cable TV etc
I was a single parent in the mid 80's to the late 90's. Raised my son by myself. Never got the same considerations as my female coworkers. Even the ones that were married or the ones that didn't have kids but were taking care of nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc. Same job, same responsibilities, two very different sets of rules regarding time off for "child care needs." I can't begin recall how many times I was threatened to be fired for missing time over my "snotty nosed brat."
I love my husband and have much respect for men's responsibilities, but it seems like men are finally starting to understand what women have been dealing with for many years. The difference is that women are EXPECTED to be able to juggle it all without complaint or help. Men are finally beginning to understand what it's like and they are overwhelmed, just like we are. But, IT'S ABOUT TIME! It's about time that men step up and couples can share the load EQUALLY! After observing countless friends' husbands make comments like, "I have to BABYSIT," or "I work hard and deserve to relax when I get home from work," I promised myself I wouldn't marry a man who was that selfish. It's not babysitting when it's your own child, and women DON'T get to relax after WE work hard all day, so why should men?
For those men who "want it all". You have to understand that includes not getting the raises or promotions, being written up at work and using all of your sick time because of kids dr appts, school functions, etc. It includes being tired, feeling guilt, overwhelmed, wanting to be at two places at once, needing to be both father and mother at the same time. It includes criticism for the choices you made and the ones you didn't. It includes witnessing or being part of your child's firsts (first step, first kiss, first bad grade, etc). It includes knowing how hard your child worked to reach the goal that (s)he is so proud of. It does NOT include appreciation, acknowledgement, or accolades.
These aren't included for simply emptying the trash, mowing the lawn and "babysitting". If you want accolades for the above, then wait until your kids become parents.
Priceless... Women have faced this for 2000 years and now, in the 21st century, 92 years after the Women's Rights Movement, all of the years where women and have carried the loads and not being truly respected and recognized for their efforts at home, work, running the family errands, cooking, cleaning, being a nurse, doctor, mediator and the list goes on, men feel they should be acknowledged for doing something they should have been doing the entire time... REALLY??? Marriage and family are supposed to be an all in effort for all parties and yet this is a perfect example of just how lop-sided our society still views this. My suggestion is ask women their advice on how to juggle it all and cope; then take that advice and use it. It’s what we do? Why shouldn't men have to share that burden as well. They eat and sleep and anything else in the same household. I believe it is about time the male gender gets a realistic feel for what women really cope with and how well they do it. Be sure to tell a woman in your life what a great job she has done, and maybe you will get the same thoughtfulness in return.
LOL reading the comments from a lot of women on this board and it is clear to me that I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR MY WIFE. Point that microscope back on yourself sometime...
Dain, I happen to agree with you about pointing that microscope. I was blessed with a husband who was very involved, did 80% of the cooking, stayed away from the laundry (at my request), stayed out of my way when I was cleaning (again at my request) but helped raised two of the greatest young men ever. And the parenting style of my single son of his little boy is revisiting my husband as a father and it is beautiful to see. We women have a tendency to martyrdom, don't you know? We try to do it all and then complain because we don't get help.
I always appreciate national acknowledgement that work/life struggles aren't exclusive to working moms. At Mom Corps, we have heard from numerous working dads who are finding it very difficult to overcome the stigma that the father should place providing for his family before anything else.
Our most recent national survey on work/life preferences for professional, including parents, found that working men (12 percent) are twice as likely as working women (6 percent) to say they would be willing to give up give up more than 10 percent of their salary to receive more flexibility at work.
Preferences for better alignment between work and family are touching all demographics.
I am an ER/IM Doc....I have to have it all.....
A month after moving into our new home my wife was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I was working two jobs....took care of my 3 year old daughter and 6 year old son....with the help of a live in nanny, and drove my wife back and forth to Sloan for chemo all the while living out of boxes, and trying to give the kiddies a "family life" This went on for a year until she passed. That was 5 years ago. Since then I have been taking care of my two treasures.....5am mornings...hockey, dance, school concerts, recitals, conferences......asleep at midnight....the list goes on and on.....I have to say, my department chairpersons have accommodated most of my needs. Can't say how much I have learned and changed because of my work as an er doc...I am on both sides...I take care of as well as AM the people that I see at work. Two things....I give everything I have to my kids, and I have the utmost respect for single moms!!!!!
You sound like a great dad, dr ackdo. I'm sorry for the loss of your wife.
There are 24 hours in a day. You need 8 for sleep, 8 to work, and 8 for yourself. Any imbalance from that in any category brings on physical and mental problems. Perhaps that isn't realistic but it is true. Too much sleep brings laziness. Workaholics are soul dead. Too much free time leads to irresponsibility. Single parents should be called double parents since they are doing the other parents work along with their own. The imbalance of that is quite difficult.
Just wondering - why is it that a woman who works full time and is also an involved parent is referred to as a "supermom", yet men who do the same (and yes there are many of us) are just men?
A mom was watching TV. The mom said, "I'm going to bed." So she emptied the trash, let the dog in, let the cat out, checked to make sure all the windows and doors were locked, turned out the lights, made the kids school lunches, set out the next day's food in the fridge to thaw, ironed and set out clothes for the next day, made sure everyone had their homework done and in their backpacks, put the dad's appt reminders in his attache case, took her shower, brushed her teeth and went to bed.
The dad said, "I think I'll go to bed too." And he did.