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Brett Deering for msnbc.com
Dustin Baylor closes his eyes while playing with his sons Paxton, 6, left, and Garrison, 4, after work at their home Friday, June 8, 2012 in Enid, Okla.
Dustin Baylor knew from the time he was in elementary school that he wanted to be a doctor.
All his life, he also wanted to be a dad.
What he wasn’t able to appreciate until adulthood was how challenging it might be to be awakened by his pager going off with a medical emergency just as often as by one of his three children having a bad dream, needing to go to the bathroom or just falling out of bed.
Baylor was one of dozens of dads who wrote to TODAY.com about doing it all: Excelling at work, raising kids, taking care of household chores and finding some time to spend with their spouse or partner.
Almost every dad we heard from said they wouldn’t want it any other way, although many conceded they sometimes struggle to make it through the day -- and night.
“I often feel overwhelmed trying to do it all," Baylor wrote. "I love my wife, my job and my family. But whereas men in past generations emphasized being a provider first and foremost, I think modern fathers take on many more roles."
The juggle between work and home life has long been a hot topic for women, many of whom have known from early on that they would work and raise children – and may even have watched their own moms do the same thing.
But many young dads are choosing to take a role in their home life that is more active than seen in any generation before, said Brad Harrington, executive director of the Boston College Center for Work and Family. That means they can be both less prepared for, and less adept at, juggling both roles.
“I think they are working really without a script,” Harrington said.
Related: Dad's survey shows fathers just want a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T
What’s clear is that more dads want to figure it out. Harrington and other researchers have noticed a clear and pervasive shift toward more dads choosing to do everything from change diapers to chaperone field trips.
“The expectation on the part of most fathers is they’re going to be much more engaged than their father was,” Harrington said.
And as more women work, and bring in a bigger chunk of the family’s earnings, Harrington notes that men also are finding that their spouses expect them to pitch in more on chores including laundry, dishes and grocery shopping.
“The expectation is, ‘I can’t do it all and you’re going to have to share,’” Harrington said.
Yet employers have not necessarily caught up with the evolving roles men are playing at home, leaving many feeling caught in the middle. A landmark study by the Families and Work Institute, released in 2009, found that dads actually feel more conflict between home and work life than moms do.
Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, said the research showed that even as home lives become more egalitarian, men continue to feel pressure to fill the traditional provider role by putting in long, hard hours at work.
Galinsky says the weak economy and high jobless rate likely have exacerbated the financial pressures.
“We expect that it will either maintain or increase the conflict that men experience,” she said.
Brett Deering for msnbc.com
Dustin Baylor and his family on in Enid, Okla. Baylor is among a new generation of dads trying to 'do it all.'
Tending to patients, and kids
Baylor, 34, and his wife, a physical therapist pursuing her doctorate, have three kids ages 6, 4 and 1. On a typical day, that means the couple has to get kids to daycare, a pre-K program and kindergarten before heading out for their own work days.
In the afternoon, Baylor’s wife picks up their oldest son from school and drops him off at Baylor’s medical practice, then goes back to finish up her workday. That means Baylor and his nurse, who also has a child to watch in the afternoons, have their children in the office as they finish up their work day.
Baylor admits it can be a challenge when the kids want to run down the halls while he has patients to attend to. But he describes fondly the way his son stands on the back of his chair, chatting about the school day, while he does office work.
He recently brought more toys into his home office so his kids can be nearby when he’s on call or dealing with paperwork.
“I’m actually used to working with kids orbiting,” he said.
The desire to be an active parent is one of the reasons Baylor opted to have a family practice in Enid, Okla., rather than join a hospital staff. The decision has meant less money but more flexibility to have a child at work or take off on a family vacation.
That’s one of many ways in which Baylor is different from his own dad, who worked as a mail carrier while his mom mostly stayed home while he was younger.
But it still can be hard to juggle. Baylor and his wife decided to have kids while he was a chief medical resident, and he says he wishes he had been able to help his wife out more in those early days. Another struggle came when his middle son started having seizures because of a rare health problem. He is doing fine now.
“I wish I could say that I have no regrets at all, but that really wouldn’t be true. I wish I could have taken more time to just be a dad when my first son was born. I wish I could have been around constantly to shelter my second son when all those seizures were happening instead of meeting him in the emergency room. I already wish I had even more time with my daughter individually, which is not a unique problem for the youngest child of any family,” he wrote in his response to TODAY.com.
Like a lot of dads, Baylor rarely gets time for date nights or other quality time alone with his wife.
While many face the same struggle, few have to go to the lengths John Martin does to be both a father and a spouse.
‘You just get a little exhausted’
Martin, 45, received an e-mail from his high school sweetheart, whom he hadn’t heard from in 27 years, soon after his marriage ended. When they finally met up nearly a year later, a whirlwind weekend together was all it took for them to realize they still had the feelings they’d had at age 16, and within a month they were engaged.
But there was one big problem: Martin and his kids live in Denver, while his new wife and her kids live in the Seattle area.
Even as he made plans to remarry, Martin said he didn’t want to give up his major role as a parent to his two young girls. (He shares custody with their mother.)
“I was always changing diapers and putting them to bed and doing all the things that I think dads do these days,” he said. “It would be inconceivable for me not to have them at least half the time.”
To maintain his relationship with his kids and build a relationship with his new wife and teenage stepchildren, either Martin or his new wife fly back and forth to be with their spouse nearly every week. They’ve maintained that routine for close to two years, and Martin has cut his employment to 80 percent of full-time to balance it all.
“The way it worked was to leave the kids alone and to kind of rotate around them,” he said.
Martin savors watching his girls play softball and going out for family pizza night and says that while he loves his job as a lawyer, his wife and kids come first.
Still, the challenge of maintaining two households and commuting across several states can be disorienting, and tiring.
“You run low on energy in a way that your children can’t possibly understand,” he said. “Then you are a little less patient, a little less this, a little less that. You just get a little exhausted.”
The ‘all-encompassing man’
Anthony Noriega, 33, also sometimes finds himself struggling to keep up with the hectic schedule of raising four kids with his wife, who takes care of the kids and goes to school.
Like many parents, Noriega describes a life that can be a dizzying whirlwind of cooking, paying bills and getting everyone to bed after a long day at work as a web marketing specialist in Boise, Idaho.
Writing to TODAY.com, he described “the mystique of this elusive, all-encompassing man: The bread winner, the great father who engages in every aspect of their child’s lives, the super husband who can whip out a dinner with no trouble and still pay attention to his hard-working wife.”
He admits it doesn’t always go perfectly smoothly. But Noriega said his own parents struggled with addiction, and he knew from the time he was a teenager that he wanted to get married and raise his own family in a very different way. He may pine for a quiet moment, but he has no regrets about how things have turned out.
“My priorities are providing a stable foundation for my kids growing up (and) not having to worry about whether or not they’re going to have school clothes, food on the table - the things that I had to deal with as a kid,” he said in an interview.
Some dads wrote to TODAY.com to remind us that not all of them have that struggle. Scott Bouma, 35, and his wife have four kids and his wife stays home full-time.
The fact that his wife is a stay-at-home mom means that Bouma, a software engineer who lives in Helena, Mont., feels he can spend time with his family at night or on the weekends instead of dealing with a list of chores and errands he imagines dads with working spouses face.
“I feel like I’m definitely the other side,” he said in an interview. “I’m a dad who doesn’t feel pressure to do all that stuff.”
Leave a Comment:
I'm so glad I'm not married to the last man in the article - the software engineer with a stay at home wife. It must be nice to be able to not care about all of the household stuff or child rearing. I'm guessing it's pretty "easy" to him to simply come home and play with the kids nights and weekends. No thanks.
I'm thankful to be a working mom - as it forces both my husband and I to share duties towards life, bills, clean, general household duties, and kids. I feel that when it's one sided, the other parent misses out on life.
I would have chosen the selfless act of parenting but always suspected it would cut into my drinking time.
Come on Linn, couldn't you come up with a better story than this? Your pretty much stating the obvious here.
Yes, I agree 100%! Both my husband and I work full time and I think we make a great team together. Our Daughter will be 4 in October and we have a great routine and it works for us..our Daughter is a very happy, loving child and we feel very balanced. Sure some days are more hectic than others but so what if it is. We do it together. For instance, I make his lunch in the morning while he gets our Daughter dressed...when it comes to Parenting, working as a team makes life that much sweeter.
not at all, i am the one sides parent i dont even have a wife or nanny. i run my own business spend time with the kids cook clean ect ect ALL BY MYSELF. it can be done and you dont miss anything cuz your in the middle of it.
I work and my wife, by her own choice, decided to be a stay at home mom. She has a BA and a Masters while I have an Associates degree. I provide for the family with my work and get to spend time with my daughter in the evenings and weekends. In the early years of our marriage a Traveled 75% to 90% of the year and wasn't home at all. Yes I missed some of my daughters early development, but I made sure one parent was able to be there for her 100% of the time. My daughter is going on 10 and I have worked into a job that takes care of my family very well and now only travel 10% to 25% per year. I owe that to my wifes support through those early years. Now that my daughter is older my wife will substitute teach during the school year to get out of the house a little more.
It works. Also as the economy sheds jobs that are not coming back I see a shift back to the single income family as the only way we as a country are going to recover without leaving families behind. Everyone buys things online now which takes away a lot of various retail jobs. Everyone loves their self checkout at walmart taking away more jobs. E-mail is destroying our postal system and jobs. ATM's got rid of a lot of bank tellers, now the cards are removing actual money from the system. Robots in manufacturing jobs have taken away jobs. Lots of people say all these things created jobs, but they created far fewer jobs than they took away.
Paid out of the home employment versus non paying thankless work in the home....missing out on life...depends on what life they are missing out on. I thoroughly enjoyed raising my family, but we as stay at home parents get screwed over when it comes to reentering the workforce, and divorce IF WE DON'T FILE FIRST. We spend years without pay, bonuses and kudos all for the sake of the children. After reading what you wrote, I could swear you were writing about me and my situation, probably too many people out there experiencing the same thing. My heart goes out to them. Still seperated still unemployed still crying....Mommywithout
I am a working mom with a great husband but I cannot wait until we are debt free and I am able to be a stay at home mom. I want to be with my child and not have someone else raising him. I also want to be able to take better care of my husband and our home which is only possibly if I am at home. Yes my husband helps me a little around the house now since we both work and he is a very involved father but I did not have a child so I can drop them off a daycare and hope someone else can raise them. People need to remember (or understand) once you become a parent it is not about you it is about doing was is best for your child. You might not always feel appreciated, it is not easy and no one can possibly see or understand all the things that you do wheather you are at home or work but get over it you are an adult and a parent just take joy in the fact that you have a family to love and that loves you.
There is nothing wrong with the guy who has a wife at home working her ass off all day at home while he works his ass off all day outside the home. They both work hard and the kids are at home more often than kids in a daycare.. The family can enjoy more time together not trying to get caught up on what needs to be done around the house that ususally has to wait until both parents get home at night or over the weekend. The woman's role at home has rarely been regarded as anything substantial and husbands are finally finding out what the work entails and are respecting what it takes to do it right and wants the respect from the employer for it. Women are still trying to find that respect from society as a whole. Many women went to work to feel substantiated (i.e. monetary contribution) because it wasn't getting accomplished at home. Now that men are experiecing what it entails and what it takes.
Funny, I know the story of two different men who ended up with a divorce.
In story one, the woman made an accusation that she stayed at home all the time taking care of the children and thus should get paid alimony.
In story two, the woman made an accusation that the father stayed home all the time and took care of the housework while she slaved away trying to support the family at her job.
"First I start with a man, then I take away reason and accountability." - As good as it gets.
Dads have ALWAYS had to juggle work and home life, this is only something new(ish) for women. Go back 40 years when I was a kid; Dads worked, did the house maintenance (electrical, plumbing, fixing this or that), the yard maintenance, the car maintenance, they were Scout leaders and coached team sports. WHEN DID DADS ONLY WORK AT THEIR JOBS? Even today, and even with girls sports, look to see who most of the coaches are...men. This notion that men didn't bother with home or family is PURE FICTION.
Totally agree Rich V!!!! Married to my husband for over 40 years and the oldest of our six children is 38. HE has always intertwined family , profession, etc and this is NOT new as stated in the article! Perhaps when I was a child in the 40's and 50's but my husband and father of our children and grandfather of our 8 grandchildren has been "hands on" since day one. STOP WHINING current 30 somethings....it is so unattractive.
Well, not in my home! I was raised in an all female house...he didn't bother to participate in our lives, and my ex was a work a holic where I did all volunteering. I was the ones at the games and practices. He didn't start showing up to games or anything else until he decided he wanted a divorce. He had to make himself look good after 17 years of not being there. What a fake. Probably was looking for someone new too. DH d doesn't stand for dear either
Totally agree. I've been saying it for years.
"Hey, how about helping with the dishes!" - She says...
"Hey, how about helping with the mowing, painting the house, cleaning the garage, fixing the car, changing the oil, etc." - He didn't say...
Every job my husband has had (he's in software) they've expected him to be there at their whim day or night (he's not an "on call" person). They question when he has to be out with the family. I catch some flack at my job, but in the end I'm allowed to do what needs to be done. If there weren't laws protecting that right, my company would probably not allow the time off.
"They question when he has to be out with the family" RED FLAG
There aren't laws protecting that right. Unless your state has special statutes. The only mandated leave law in the U.S. is the FMLA, and it is extremely narrow. My state has no added protections. You take time off at your own peril, no matter what you need the time for. My husband's employer throws a fit whenever he asks for time off, no matter what it is for. I got lucky, and found a job with a small firm that is extremely family friendly and puts great emphasis on work-life balance. Many of my friends have not been so fortunate.
In one job that my wife had, they actually used the FMLA to FORCE my wife to take time off without pay, instead of the vacation time she was using.
FMLA is being used in reverse to what it was supposed to be used for.
Where, oh where, is the workplace that does so much for the working mom? I always worked full time out of necessity and can't think of any concessions that any of my workplaces made. Nine year old is having surgery? Sorry, someone else in your job classification is on vacation- you can't take off. Crisis at work-I'll be late for my daughter's birthday celebration. Being a working parent in the US sucks!!!
I am a NO on this my hubby and I both work he tries to help with cleaning but he MOST definately helps with the kids all the time morning on lunch breaks and at night. He will even do some light cooking during the week and grills boths days on the weekends even in winter. I get upset because he has a well paying job, but absoluetly no benifits (my job pays for our childrens medical and such) he has NO Retirement, No medical no sick leave (I do)and he basically has nothing but a paycheck for the future. He is 46 and I am 40. I get mad because he has no backbone with his boss. Our 6 year old daughter had 2 functions at school and neither time could he go to them because they were during work hours, I didn't care if he got paid or not I'd rather cut something then have him loose the oppertunity to see his daughter's early years of school life. Plus she wonders why it's always mommy and not daddy. His boss is a big fat jerk for making him miss those performances, but with the way jobs are today he didn't feel he had a choice but I KNOW for a fact they cannot fire you because of your child but he fears they would. That is why I had to say employers do NOT allow fathers enough time for family, my job is great they allow me the freedom of switching days around and such to accomidate my need to do things with my children, but I do work in a small office where we are all moms and the owner has adult children and grandchildren so they are VERY understanding when it comes to that.
That's really sweet, ashleyaddams! Get mad at your husband and say he has no backbone. That'll motivate his ass, boost his self image and do frickin wonders for your marriage. Where did you acquire such skills?
I am not sure maybe its from watching my mother with her 3 husbands who she kissed their asses and didn't get anything but 6 kids from the marriage and mental heath problems from constantly being told she was nothing, I will not coddle him he can grow a set for his family I don't think it's unreasonable, at some point in your life you have to become a person willing to fight for your wants and desires it makes me feel as if we are not worth it explain that to me?
I cannot explain it. I do, however, feel genuinely sorry for your frustration and discontent. Here's hoping things get better for you and your family.
ashleyaddams, I'd suggest you cut your husband some slack.
First, you indicate that he's helpful when it comes to domestic chores. Second, you say he has a good-paying job, albeit one with no benefits. But then you are angry with him for not having the "balls" to challenge his boss and ask for time off to attend your daughter's school events, saying you know they can't fire him for that.
I can say from firsthand experience, however, that employers will reward employees who put in extra time at work and don't take time off for kids & family, while punishing those who do. Sometimes it's subtle and unstated (and hard to prove, thus making the legal protections pointless - and besides, those protections come at a cost. Who wants (and can afford) to hire a lawyer to prove illegal discrimination months after you've lost your job?). But I know others who have heard it expressed clearly by their boss. If your husband is nervous that his boss will retaliate in some way if he asks for time off, he's probably right. In this economy, with high unemployment, unless your husband has some valuable skill set or unique experience that makes him irreplaceable, then his boss (who you describe as a jerk, which suggests that the threat is likely real) can very easily get rid of him and find someone else to do his job. Then where will you be?
Ashley, you sound like a real man hater! Your husband is doing the best he can, but you belittle him and complain? I read where your mom was treated like a welcome mat, you don't have to turn your husband into one!
As for the employer not firing your husband for doing kids' things? They certainly can! If you are scheduled for work and don't show, you're gone! If you are thinking of the FMLA, that is for long term medical neccessity, not one day here and one day there.
I can understand why your husband works so much, I would try to stay away from you, too.
Ashley, do you know how many women in America would want your husband just the way he is? There are women out there that would love to have help cooking, cleaning, and spending quality time with his daughter.
Why don't you sit down with your husband and TALK to him. I think you would be surprised at the outcome.
Ashley sounds like a first class Bi**h. Makes me glad I am not married, and especially to someone like her!
I am dumbfounded by how many people apparently consider their work to be an imposition on everything worthwhile going on in their lives. And you wonder why your jobs have gone overseas? Duh.
Yes and I'm amazed how many times work has imposed on my personal life - after 6pm at night. It's ok for work to go beyond the traditional 40 hr work week into your home (via VPN, Blackberry, etc...), but if men & women try to work through their lunch break to leave 1 hour earlier for a family event, you're castrated.
Ah, yes, allthumbs. People should be grateful to have their jobs. They should be happy to work 90 hours a week without vacation, sick leave or the ability to take time off without being docked pay - all while watching their company brag to its shareholders about record earnings each quarter, thereby justifying paying the CEO millions. . . . And if they demand to be treated with some basic respect, or ask for some flexibility to allow them some time with their family - ship their jobs overseas!
I was thinking the same thing, Allthumbs: we don't live to work, but work to live, and we need to have jobs so we agree to the rules.
We see both extremes here: the people who think work is an inconvenience and those who think it is the prime reason for living. The truth is in the middle.
Dallas and Casualty, I'm sorry you have jobs that do that; but the only person you have to blame is yourself. Turn off the phone, find another job... I don't say this flippantly, as I know that there are not other jobs immediately available or easy to find. But I have seen it many times with family and friends, and I've even done career limiting moves myself: when you put your foot down the job either accomodates it, or they kick you out. The next job may not pay as well, but you'll be happier for it. I have several friends right now who all they do is piss and moan about work. I've told them I don't want to hear any more of it. EIther shut up or do something about it.
Don't be a slave to your job, or your bills, lifestyle, etc... If you can't leave your job because of house and car payments, get rid of the car, downsize the house, then you won't be chained to the over demanding job.
I agree allthumbs, I actually think its because people are continuously told "YOU NEED TO MAKE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY" so they go into careers they don't really like, rather than going into what they love and making less money. Thus they are not satisfied in their jobs.
Personally, I love my job and look forward to going to it every day.
The survey suggests a large portion of employees who may work for "At Will" non-union employers. This response would be expected. "At will" employers exploit the sht out of many of their employees. I gets better. By 2016 the USA will have reduced Union jobs to just 4%. All planned out by both and or all political groups who endorsed and embraced the global economic system back in the late 70's. "Workforce 2000". The remaining Union jobs will be in the public sector as in Fire and police services to show the world that America is still labor friendly.
The fact is that men have been doing this for one helluva long time. They make HUGE sacrifices in the name of their families. Then you hear the women complaining...."that's why I cheated on you....because you're never there for me"....ya never hear that crap on Oprah. Always a mans fault. Then when the divorce comes, the women get custody, child support and alimony while the men get less time with their children, all the bills, cover the insurance and on and on. I get so sick of listening to all this man bashing crap. Nice to finally hear someone give men/fathers some well deserved and long over due credit.
Marc, what is important in a divorce are the children, both parents should play and active role giving their children loving input and guidance. It is disgraceful to have lopsided parenting. Maybe it would be better if the divorced couple where forced to live in a side by side townhouse where both parents have their own home and the children literally can just go next door to visit....snicker. Some parents are so competitive when it comes to their children they are only thinkng about their own ego and they come across as jealous and insecure....discraceful Parents really need to focus on the children...they are smart and will feel the love. Women and men....moms and dads who are both equally important!
Marc, in what alternate universe do you live? I neither know a woman who receives alimony nor a man who could afford to pay it. This is not a man vs woman situation- it's a working parent issue. Yes, men have been an intergal part of family life for a long time, but "men chores" tended to be maintenance-related. These tasks are either planned (yard work on Saturday) or sporadic (snaking the kitchen sink-now!) or "helping" with cooking, childcare, marketing, cleaning. The responsibility for domestic day-in-day-out jobs has traditionally been the mother's.
Women's outside the home, wage-earning role has far outstripped men's traditional domestic responsibilities in most homes. Kudos to the men in this article who want to be a bigger part of their children's lives.
This was transplanted from another article that was run yesterday on MSNBC which stated men do less in the house than women and if were paid for their work would be paid significantly less. It generated quite a discussion. So I thought i would answer your question with his experiences.
This was from Mississaugua Dad
During my marriage I held an executive position meaning I worked much more than a 40 hr week. After rising each morning at six & showering etc. I would get our 2
sons out of bed, make breakfast & get them ready for school. I would drive them to daycare where they were until class started. Then without breakfast myself, I would rush to catch the train. At the end of school my sons returned to daycare until I
got home to pick them up. Once I got home with them I usually cooked or help cook supper & did any kitchen cleanup. Then I helped them with homework, made sure they showered, got them to bed, made my sons' lunch for the next day and if lucky, I managed to get to bed by midnight. My wife did no housework - she had a maid. Anything the maid didn't do was left for me. I did my own laundry. I did all yard & garden work & snow shovelling. I did the grocery shopping. If my sons had a doctor or dentist appointment I came home to take them.
When the children were babies my wife nursed for two months - and I was required to be up in order to walk them back to sleep. Once we changed to bottle fed I was the one who got up for every feeding, warmed up the bottles, and fed the baby. If the baby woke up and fussed during the night I was the one who always got up to soothe the baby and get him back to sleep. If the baby was sick at night
I was the one who always got up with him. My ex told me "You know I can't fall back to sleep if I have to get up at night". One night I was up at least 6 times with our son who was sick. In the morning my ex said "I guess the baby must be better, I
didn't hear him once overnight".
Another time I had to go to a very early morning meeting at 6:30 a.m. and needed to be up by 5:00 a.m. During that night I was up 3 times with our son. The fourth time he fussed I asked my ex to get up instead because I needed to get some sleep before the meeting. She just yelled at me and said that I knew better than to ask because I knew she couldn't get back to sleep. I never asked her again to get up when one of our sons was sick. One time one of our sons was sick enough to need to stay in the hospital overnight. I stayed at his bedside all night because my ex had said when he was admitted that she would go home to bed and return in the morning so that I could go to work!
When my ex filed for divorce a "court appointed custody expert" told me that even though all of the evidence clearly showed that I had not only been the fulltime breadwinner but also the primary caregiver, she could not state that in her report because "no judge in the country would accept such a statement and it would ruin her credibility". During our divorce proceedings the judge named my ex as "primary caregiver" and threw me out of the house ordering me to pay child support, spousal support, housekeeping costs (i.e. pay for wife to hire a maid), and in a final blow that
clearly demonstrated how totally unbiased the family courts are, the judge ordered me to provide funds so that my ex could return to university and complete another degree (she already had 3). Equality? What a joke.
Men are always criticised for not being sensitive enough to the amount of work a mother puts in. In the case of a working mother we are told that fathers couldn't even begin to keep up to a working mother. Let's take a look at the numbers during my 18 year marriage:
THE AVERAGE DAY (Times averaged out from a weekly total to a
per day allotment - not all tasks done every day.)
Paid employment: 600 minutes for me, 0 for ex
Childcare: 120 mins for me, 30 for ex
Cooking & washing up: 60 mins for me, 30 for ex
Laundry: 10 mins for me, 20 for ex
House Cleaning: 30 mins for me, 15 for ex
Repairs & gardening: 45 mins for me, 0 for ex
Shopping: 20 mins for me, 20 for ex
Looking after pets: 0 mins for me, 0 for ex
TOTAL: 885 MINUTES OF WORK FOR ME, 115 FOR EX
Yup, no question about it.
I was ALMOST working as much each day as my ex-wife.
I am a military dad that juggles work, deployments, training, time with my kids and my wife who works full time as well. It is a struggle at times but to be honest I would not trade it unless it was a trade for more time with my family! My life does not compare to my fathers though since he was a single dad trying to raise 3 children alone...now there is a real challenge.
This whole notion of "having it all" floors me, and always has. Anyone with a job and children understands it is a constant balancing act, which will ebb and flow with the competing demands and inevitable trade-offs.
Call me naive, but that's why I always thought marriage is [supposed to be] a partnership, reaching out to lend a hand, or ask for one, as needed. Not carping and whining about who does "more," and walking through life with a large chip on your shoulder and a piss-poor attitude. But that's old school, I guess.
LKN, you are spot-on. You wrote exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't articulate nearly as well as you.
You're not naive.
You'd be surprised how many women complain 'I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and you never do anything around the house..you're working too much.." and dump all of their days' complaints right when her husband walks through the door. On the flipside, you hear husbands complaining how SAHM's don't do anything to contribute to the family. I think often times men feel resentment towards their wives being SAHM's sometimes because of such heavy pressure they feel of being responsible for 100% of the finances.
yup and many of us do it all by ourselfs without a wife or nanny. now take a close look at a real man......
People now-a-days require so many electronic gadgets, toys, and updated appliances and furniture, etc. We have to own everything, even if we can't afford it. If a family would live more simply and below their means, they would find they would have more time to enjoy life. Maintaining all of our 'stuff' takes alot of time that could otherwise be spent with the family. I'll have to admit, I have not been able to do it, but I know life would be more peaceful if I just had the basic necessities and not all the extras.
You people are crazy, I work 50 hours a week but party\golf\canoe\climb\hike all weekend(with my 2 dogs in tow) and spend my winters living out west climbing mountains and snowboarding out of helicopters.
No way I'm giving that up to have kids, thats what pets and nephews and nieces are for.
It's ok to not want to be a parent, but it's not ok to disrespect the people who find pure joy in becoming parents.
Now imagine if your parents thought that way, hikeswithdogs.
Hikes- more power to you! Five days after giving birth I finally figured out that aside from severe and permanent disability, nothing impacts your lifestyle more or longer than parenthood.
Juggling both results in mediocrity at best, in both, and usually failing at both. That's why a majority of marriages fail after the kids are gone.
Announcing the ONLY article that casts men in a sympathetic light. Is it that you noticed there's a celebration this week of "fathers"? and that's the only reason.
ordinarily, All I EVER see is how terrible men are, and how wonderful women are.
It is a fact that men are currently enjoying a low-point in esteem, with all this man-bashing going on this is a strange change, this article.
Tomorrow we will again see how women and children return to their places as superior to men in every possible way.
for instance, look at the parity of a story I read yesterday about a man who raped a child.
I do not condone his behaviour, but alas, she's alive, worse off for the event....but guess what ?
the overall sentiment of the comments were "good".
from which I took away that a child's life is much more important than a mere man's.
the man was murdered by the girl's father and in America, that seems to be just fine.
But this is LIFE we're talking about - not chastity.
there was no way this man, in fairness, needed to die; but the commenters cheered like he was a Christian in the Roman Colluseum ready to be eaten by lions.
Barbaric, you Americans.
I'm a father...sort of.
leave it to one empowered female to take that family away from me. Two girls, Julia and Grace, will never be my children in the usual sense, EVER AGAIN.
If you think RAPE is tough, how about having your children taken away?
Do I get a free pass to Kill my 'Ex ?
no, not today, or ever.
Gothic romantic notions pervade the American Psyche, where the only one worth a damned is a young woman about to be ....compromised...and the hero comes in and murders the offender.
I dislike the 'ex, but dwelling on it is a no-win game, also I realize.
Happy FATHER'S DAY, MEN.
You are worthwhile, despite the opinions of those that would be there to destroy you.
Wow, what world are you living in I have seen the complete opposite! Too many fragile little egos.... When it comes to ex's trust me you didn't get treated the way I did and I am deeply hurt and angry with what he did, but I would never wish any kind of physical harm on him, he is my children's father and they are half of him the man I chose out of love to create a family with, killing him would be like killing off half of my child! Think about it that way! Focus in on your child and the love you have for the not the ex. Happy Father's day I hope you get to have an enjoyable time with the ones you love.
Depends mostly on the courts and the judge.
Myself, I spent $35,000 on my divorce, while SHE got a FREE attorney from the liberal system in Nevada. I was able to prove my case constantly and consistantly. My case was so strong that the liberal 'child custody evaluator' was literaly chastised by the APA for his biased report. But I still lost custody to the liberal courts.
Don't get your divorce in Nevada, men. Least of all, Las Vegas.
My mom left my dad when I was three years old back in the late 40's.. Instead of dumping me and my two brothers on some married relatives or placing us in a orphanage, something that many fathers would have done back then, he chose to raise us on his own..
Dad's think they have it hard now? They should try raising their children without a wife or significant other.. And, sadly, until we kids were much older, we didn't begin to appreciate what my dad went through.. He literally gave up having any kind of social life to raise us.. (What woman would want to date a guy with 3 kids)?
All his hard-earned money (he often worked 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week) went towards our upkeep.. And, with the exception of my mom's mother, who often made clothes for us, none of the other members of our family, on either side, pitched in to help him one little bit!
My dad passed away several years ago but, I'm glad to say, before he did, I think he knew how much all of us appreciated and loved him..
I know how hard it is for fathers, having to work so hard to raise us, dad never actually had much time FOR us.. He was far too tired after long work days to actually interact with us, other then to do a lot of yelling and spanking.. There were no rule books or hand books on how to interact with your children back then and it was always a joy when he did do something with us.. Sadly, there was seldom any hugs or kisses, if there were, being the girl, I probably got them on occasion, not so my brothers.. This probably had a lot to do with all three of us growing up, lacking in emotional maturity so, my advice to parents everywhere, do not deprive your children of your affection..
Hug and kiss your kids, daughters AND sons, everyday.. Don't let a single day go by without showing your love.. Raising kids without being a demonstrative parent is a sure way to raise emotionally stunted adults..
No matter how tired you are, you need to show your love, not just with words, but with actions.. Spare the rod, not the affection! All the rod does is create fear, anger and alienation and, eventually, adults who will withdraw from you..
i feel it but it isnt pain, its joy to know we stood up and did the right thing.
if your dad is still around tell him thank you.
as for not enough time ya we do get busy, but there is no replacement for a simple hug.
wild-P get some therapy man!!!!
I am a stay at home dad not by choice but I do love it. Do I get the respect I deserve? NO. Not from the workplace and not from my spouse either.
This is so cool I love it there is nothing sexier than a good loving dad! I have respect for you, you are taking care of your children instead of pushing the responsibility off onto another! I was a stay at home mom for 17 years I understand what you mean with respect it is a thankless payless job and the only time they really recognize you is on mother's or father's day.
I *LOVE* that you profiled a dad who brings his child to work sometimes. It's a great solution that is often overlooked! And to Baylor I say -- stop with the wishes and regrets. Take more time NOW with your kids, rather than setting yourself up for further regret tomorrow that you didn't do so enough. Work will always be there.
I am really lucky to be married to a guy like the awesome dads in this article. We both work and cook and shop and clean, but he has, in fact, taken on more than his share of the domestic duties with our current arrangement -- I leave early to go to work and he stays home till 11am. Then we have a part-time caregiver for our one daughter who works 11 to 4, and then I take over for the evening. That means dad often works till 7 or 8pm or later. It doesn't leave much time for mom and dad to spend together, but we can get back to that once our child is a little older. For now, the focus is on being the best, most PRESENT parents we can be.
If there was a class on marriage, fatherhood, and balancing family and understanding women, I am sure this topic would not be so wide spread there is non and even using our fathers for the example there are gaps and changes in generational ideasand issues that comeinto play.
My father worked 12 - 16 hours aday, spent little time with us kids and after 18 years divorced my mother.
I as a father have been married three times still married to the great no. 3 (yeah she reads these blogs too) and have a child by each woman...
To me it is not about balancing but being proactive to the needs of children, and my wife...and dealing with the stupid stuff displayed by the ex's.
I appreciate a company that takes family into account, because if i am not happy at home do yuo really think i am going to be happy at work...even if i enjoy my job.
the job i have now the employer does not get it. Company started out 25 miles from my home (that was one ofthe reasons I selected it). Owner decided to move company closer to his home.... which now means I have to travel twice as far, sit in traffic 2 -3times as long and they have the nerve to try nd schedule meetings after 5pm when i am ready to go...I tell them make if a conference call I am going to pick up my kids at day care, school, etc....
Yep I am looking for a new job, stillemployed but looking hard for a new job....
you do what you gotta do, make the best of it. keep thinkin the way you do, it will work out.
Yep and when your unhappy at work and bring it home it is more devasting...nothing like being a whipping post for an angry employed spouse who displaces their anger on the spouse. Wow, what if your a stay at home parent and unhappy with your thankless nonpaying job! No kudos, bonuses paychecks...etc. You love your work, the children, its the other issues that upset you.