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Mike Blake / Reuters
A pair of elderly couples view the ocean and waves along the beach in La Jolla, Calif. More couples over 50 are living together (minus the marriage certificate) and for many money is a big factor.
Shacking up. It's not just for the kids anymore.
The number of people over age 50 who are living together romantically has more than doubled in a decade, from 1.2 million in 2000 to 2.75 million in 2010, according to an analysis of government data done by Bowling Green State University.
The 50-plus group represents nearly one-third of the approximately 7.5 million people of all ages who were living together in 2010, the researchers found.
But while young people tend to be testing the waters for marriage, experts say older people aren’t necessarily living together as a step toward tying the knot. They're doing it for the money.
“(They want to) enjoy many of the benefits of marriage without the burdens,” said Susan Brown, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio who led the research.
Older couples may want to protect their individual nest eggs so they can pass the inheritance down to their kids. They also may not want to jeopardize a pension, Social Security payment or other benefit they are receiving because they are divorced or widowed. And they may not want to be financially responsible for the other person’s health care bills.
Some also may have a “been there, done that” mentality about marriage, Brown said. Her research found that 71 percent of older couples living together were divorced, and another 18 percent were widowed. On the other hand, she found, older people who end up remarrying are disproportionately widowed. (Brown has done other research looking at the surging divorce rate among older Americans.)
Tom Blake was 53 when his third marriage ended, and after the divorce was finalized he knew he wanted to start dating again. But he didn’t want to get married for a fourth time.
“I wasn’t looking for marriage, but I definitely wanted a relationship that was comfortable, enjoyable and non-confrontational,” he remembers.
Blake, who owns a deli in Dana Point, Calif., found that dating after age 50 was much harder than he had expected. His experiences eventually became fodder for a column and website that he’s been writing for almost 18 years.
Now 72, he’s been living with a woman for 11 years. They split their expenses evenly but keep their finances separate, an arrangement that he says has served them very well.
“What I learned for my own self was that I did not need to be married to be happy,” he said.
Some people prefer to keep their financial lives even more separate. Blake said he also hears from a lot of older people who are in long-term, committed relationships but don’t live together. He said some do that to keep the peace with their kids or grandkids who don’t like the idea of a live-in relationship.
Brown, the sociology professor, said the “living apart together relationship” is one she also knows exists but has had trouble quantifying.
“They’re very committed to each other (but they) don’t want to give up the autonomy that they have,” she said.
Although economics play a major role in these late-in-life relationship decisions, Brown said there are also noneconomic reasons older couples aren’t getting hitched.
Brown said some older women want a live-in relationship, but there’s something about actually getting married that seems stifling.
“They’ve taken care of one husband and raised one family, and they don’t want to do that again,” Brown said. “And they feel that if they get married that’s the underlying expectation.”
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I work 2 jobs, very athletic and independent. I have never been married - haven't met a guy you is capatiable with me. I am usually the atm machine, taxi or mother to the men that I have dated. I do not have children ( I am 44) and I am attractive! I rather live with someone than sign a paper and spend thousands of $'s to prove that I love someone. There is nothing wrong with me - sometimes I rather be lonely and happy, than with someone and be unhappy. I love my mom (66) who has been married 3 times and each one was unhappy. I will not follow her footsteps!
What is in marriage anyway? Other than someone gets taken to the cleaners when either they feel you've made enough to split or find someone younger.
Nope not interested in marriage, give me a good book a good dog for walks and Im a happy camper.
My my a lot of marriage haters.... I don't really care either way. People who are afraid of commitment or always go for the wrong partners shouldn't get married. This is not new news, elderly friends of my parents were doing this 25 years ago. Neither wanted to give up their social security checks.....
To shack...or not to shack....You can save a lot of money in the cost of a wedding..$10,000 or $20,000 by simply shacking up. The money saved could go into an extended stay vacation thereby creating a stronger bond between the couple...
“They’ve taken care of one husband and raised one family, and they don’t want to do that again,” Brown said. “And they feel that if they get married that’s the underlying expectation.”
How many women over 50 feel obligated to start another family with their equally seasoned 2nd husband? If the writer of this drivel doesn't have any information on the age women are unlikely to be able to have further children even if they are trying to....take up another line of work.
Yeah...Nancy is 57 and her 65 year old husband expects her to be barefoot and pregnant..... It's possible, and it may even happen 10-20 times a year in the US. But common enough to be an expectation???
Back to biology 101 for the "authors" of this ridiculous crap.
Financially, you never, ever, ever want to marry if you have more or the capability to earn more than your spouse without a ironclad prenuptial signed by both parties and their attorneys. One day you will be staring at the prosepct of losing half if not everyhting you have worked for. I imagine these folks are wise as to whats going on with community property and divorces, too many to count.
I was once engaged and went to see a lawyer about a Prenuptial. The advice from the lawyer convinced me NOT to get married to my partner. We each had 2 adult children with 2 daughters not married. He was early retired and I was fulltime employed. If he or if I got seriously ill, it could use up all the monies intended to take care of ourselves when our time came. Expensive weddings for the girls would come out of both contributions and if you did not like that, too bad. Living with a husband who needed an aid due to a stroke, heart attack, or disease is not how I want to spend my later years. We need relationships but we do not need to be married and face the hardships just mentioned. Women seem happier alone than men do I find. Men want their meals cooked, clothes cleaned and ironed. a bed partner, a homemaker and a caretaker. I will stay beside the man I love forever not married, as well as I stayed with my husband married when I was young.
Traditional assumptions ........ it's time to let go of the "old ways" people.
life is an internal struggle, love can be the same...so many of us would give up and say this is not worth the effort some of us will persevere. survivors. many do not understand love and marriage and believe it is a some kind of contraption or document or an all access ticket to a sexy rock show in the late 80's...
they believe they can tamper with the meaning and recreate it, undue the delicate weavings before our very eyes...and as they do this...those of us with understanding and penitence know to close our eyes...as all your faces melt off red to white and explode to roll the credits
...what an ugly scene you wish to create...but also...memorable to think of this and you.
God loves us. what does this mean? does this mean that he would never kill us? and fulfill our every desire like a genie confined to service his mortal masters?
no...it doesn't mean he won't kill us if he wishes.
but he will give us warning, do you not feel warned by the faithful? when they do as they are taught to teach others to seek God?
of course you do, you mock and torture them daily with your spite and laugh all the way around it as you go upon your merry way.
you know, there you will go tra la ta la~
but for the one who commits in his heart to be prudent to God, his path only begins here...it is a very difficult direction to travel but at the same time so very easily taken as it can become a strength and a reason to defeat your weakness and insecurities that waste your potential.
and when you understand it, what you are doing and why it is beautiful inside, no longer ugly and nervously annoyed by the irritating moments we come to with one another in our tedious days...with an honest and genuine purpose...you will feel the difference and your mind will grow. things average minded people question night after night will seem like dwarfism to the comprehension you breathe day and night in a never ending continuence of your path to greatness life in God.
they will puzzle over the creation...over the brain...overlook all things and bump heads over miscalculated science and globs...and you might be given the answer. so easily by the spirit of knowledge as what is hidden can be revealed to you.
what have you got to lose? ..your retirement years? ...come. do not be like this.
haven't you the will to sacrifice the petty things that cease to impress you any longer as the days have clocked away so fluidly as you approach the inevitable conclusion of your life?
when you can let go of these simple things...simple temptations and struggles and if you can seperate yourself from these trappings do! and hold on to your refuge, there is nothing worse to sink back into despair of your self inflicting ways once again as relapse over relapse tries your fragile life to the point of agony.
learn from the mistakes you were taught as a young man, there is no pleasure for any of us to repeat them and cause further pain to ourselves and others and the youth are instituted by the media to do.
for things in the name of money and monopoly, do not give up on yourself at this age...when all your life is in the making...the ending is the time to do things correctly after a life of painful missteps.
open your hearts and your minds and releave yourselves the dread of this fear. if you are losing your marriage, fight for your survival in love as if it matters...if it is a war fight the war...but you can come to an understanding and heal all wounds with one another. this is not impossible to do.
What everyone fails to take into consideration is this: marriage has been intended, since the beginning of civilization, as a legal device for the orderly conveyance of accumulated property and personal wealth from one generation to the next. When parents chose mates for their children in older days, it was always with an eye toward increasing assets and achieving or maintaining political/business alliances--and the feelings of the children involved may or may not have been considered. Religious entities may have given a 'Seal of Approval', whether a pinch of incense to a relevant deity, or a full fledged dog-and-pony show; but bottom line is that the State has always determined who among the citizenry may marry, and under what circumstances, as well as how things get arranged in the case of ending marriage. If you want to marry, and especially if there is a significant disparity between the assets of each party, then nail down a good pre-nup and go for it. If you just want to co-habit, knock yourself out. Not anyone's business but yours (not your childrens', either). Anyone who has a problem with your choice--in ANYTHING--is welcome to go make their own choices.
I have been with a wonderful women for the last six years. We both lost our mates of over 47/49 years and love not being married at this time of our lives. We both had great marriages and spouses. It is the family (20) that makes us not want to get married. To much enanglement for our familys. We do not need marriage to be totally dedecated to each other. No other partners except our lost spouses. No issues with STD's. We are having the time of our lives at age 73/79.
This has been going on for a long time. In the 1980's, I was prepareing tax returns, I had several examples of sexual going on with married couples. One interview, I had a couple who owned a house and I had prepared their taxes for many years. One year, I had the couple who owned the house, plus the wife's live in boy friend. Everyone had separated at this time and was going to file as single people. They wanted to know how much the husband should pay his former wife to see how they can save the most money on their tax returns.
Whenever I see someone getting married - even if I am just driving by the church or reception hall in my car - I think about the divorce rate of 50% !
I have maintained for many years that women want to get married, but they don't really want to live with a man.
It is all magical and wonderful until ......the "why's" !!
"Why can' t you put your shoes in the closet ???!!"
"Why do I have to do this - this should be your job !!
"Why can't you do the dishes ??? !!!"
The "why" list is endless !!!!
I'd never get married again... being extorted everything I earned to my non-working spouse once was enough. The marriage certificate is a legal contract, all about money... nothing to do with love.
What right does a govt. entity have to declare a marriage license a legal contract in the first place?......
Actually, the best relationships that I have had were poly-amorous. Ranging from 4 to 11 in number. All attractive and intelligent. They all knew each other, there was no jealousies and few disagreements. All for One and One for All. Most were ended by moving elsewhere (for educational opportunities or by occupation), but quickly replaced by others. The biggest problems generally came from outsiders, who could not seem to control their obvious displeasure at what they, likely, were imagining was going on. Because of that and worries about how the parents would react, I woke up one day and found myself married to someone else. Big mistake. Neither that or any of my marriages lasted more than a few years. Looking back, it was probably too restricting and boring. Everything, including intimacy becomes too routine. I am currently working on some 'pet projects' in the boondocks;' and, don't have the time to start casting my nets, but you can bet that I will be, in the next couple of years. BTW. When one of us was in the hospital (including Military)for something, the rest showed up-we were family. It won't be for everyone, but it sure is for me and I look forward to trying it again.
One of my long term women friends told me that, in her neighborhood they have a guy who comes around once each week to have sex with senior aged women. She didn't know many details but I know that most of the men I went to high school and college or worked with were smokers, drinkers and druggers at some point in their life. All of those who smoked are already gone and many are in nursing homes otherwise known as "Senior warehouses." And yes, their kids often put them there!
Other people that I know that live alone have drinking problems, sundowner's syndrome and depression that leads to suicide.
I fully support Gay Marriage because the ensuing divorce cases will substantially change case law and set new precedent. It may be the only way to reform Divorce Court and its many abuses.
Lawyers and courts are the reason I wouldn't touch a marriage license even for the US defense budget......what right does anyone have to take something away from me that I spent years earning......
Depends on your situation. When I divorced my cheating ex, I didn't hire a lawyer - did the paperwork myself. I lost nothing. Kept the house, my retirement intact. In fact, I even collected child support - for a year.
Years later I did remarry - found a gal who shared my views towards personal finances and other interests; we've been happily married for 14 years now.
I am living with my love. Yes, seniors do have lovers. Our relatioship is more important than the words "shacking-up suggest. We may marry; we talk about it. I married at 18 and was married all my life. Presently I am enjoying the feeling of being my own peson. It is rather a delicious feeling after so many years. However we are very committed to each other. Maybe I am one of the few who have children who do very well and actually take care of me in many ways including financially. They are happy with my arrangement and wonder why I would want to marry again. I am having a wonderful time and don't want to spoil it. It is kind of like a long, long honey moon.
Are we supposed to imagine from the photo that this is a ménage à quatre that is shacked up?