E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSS
Mike Blake / Reuters
A pair of elderly couples view the ocean and waves along the beach in La Jolla, Calif. More couples over 50 are living together (minus the marriage certificate) and for many money is a big factor.
Shacking up. It's not just for the kids anymore.
The number of people over age 50 who are living together romantically has more than doubled in a decade, from 1.2 million in 2000 to 2.75 million in 2010, according to an analysis of government data done by Bowling Green State University.
The 50-plus group represents nearly one-third of the approximately 7.5 million people of all ages who were living together in 2010, the researchers found.
But while young people tend to be testing the waters for marriage, experts say older people aren’t necessarily living together as a step toward tying the knot. They're doing it for the money.
“(They want to) enjoy many of the benefits of marriage without the burdens,” said Susan Brown, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio who led the research.
Older couples may want to protect their individual nest eggs so they can pass the inheritance down to their kids. They also may not want to jeopardize a pension, Social Security payment or other benefit they are receiving because they are divorced or widowed. And they may not want to be financially responsible for the other person’s health care bills.
Some also may have a “been there, done that” mentality about marriage, Brown said. Her research found that 71 percent of older couples living together were divorced, and another 18 percent were widowed. On the other hand, she found, older people who end up remarrying are disproportionately widowed. (Brown has done other research looking at the surging divorce rate among older Americans.)
Tom Blake was 53 when his third marriage ended, and after the divorce was finalized he knew he wanted to start dating again. But he didn’t want to get married for a fourth time.
“I wasn’t looking for marriage, but I definitely wanted a relationship that was comfortable, enjoyable and non-confrontational,” he remembers.
Blake, who owns a deli in Dana Point, Calif., found that dating after age 50 was much harder than he had expected. His experiences eventually became fodder for a column and website that he’s been writing for almost 18 years.
Now 72, he’s been living with a woman for 11 years. They split their expenses evenly but keep their finances separate, an arrangement that he says has served them very well.
“What I learned for my own self was that I did not need to be married to be happy,” he said.
Some people prefer to keep their financial lives even more separate. Blake said he also hears from a lot of older people who are in long-term, committed relationships but don’t live together. He said some do that to keep the peace with their kids or grandkids who don’t like the idea of a live-in relationship.
Brown, the sociology professor, said the “living apart together relationship” is one she also knows exists but has had trouble quantifying.
“They’re very committed to each other (but they) don’t want to give up the autonomy that they have,” she said.
Although economics play a major role in these late-in-life relationship decisions, Brown said there are also noneconomic reasons older couples aren’t getting hitched.
Brown said some older women want a live-in relationship, but there’s something about actually getting married that seems stifling.
“They’ve taken care of one husband and raised one family, and they don’t want to do that again,” Brown said. “And they feel that if they get married that’s the underlying expectation.”
Leave a Comment:
I have been in a loving, very committed but living separate relationship for 8 years now. My boyfriend is 58 and I will be 50 soon. Romance is very alive and we have so much fun together.
Once my youngest child from my failed marriage leaves for college we MAY move in together, but we will not get married. We are comfortable enough and mutually trusting enough that we don't need to be married to know we love each other and also know that this relationship is solid.
We also both like having our own residences so we can retreat to our own space when we feel like it or need to.
Happily Unmarried in Ohio
VD is EPIDEMIC? Well, she can keep the CLAPPER!
It's often difficult in advance to determine that your partner is going to turn out to be a financial or other type of disaster.
This eliminates many of the consequences of those unforeseen problems. If the person turns out to be something other than they indicated while dating, separating is far less complicated.
Remember, just because you don't tie the knot doesn't mean that there might be some financial consequences of a breakup or death.
I think it's natural delusion, America is still the greatest place in the world, I talk to people form many countries who have come to America, and the say we are never going back, I enjoy going back to Europe, but i would not want to live there, well maby for a year or two to trie all the beers in Austria.
HEY! Allison Linn,SHACKUP with ME! I'm 98,Limp Dick,with a TOOTHLESS GRIN! C'mon Sweetie Pie! No Strings Attatched! I HATE THONGS!
i don't think theres any question about what the people here stand for,
and what will come to them in their future.
when what has already come from their disobedience and rejection of God...
expect further separation...even disassociation
The U. S. is the most sexually permissive society on earth, yet we are also, by far, the most advanced, most comfortable, and most successful! Sounds to me like God isn't too unhappy with us.
So just what is it that has come from our disobedience and rejection of God???
Why don't you move to a radically religious country if you think it is so great? What about the one where they lashed a 14 year old girl TO DEATH because a family member raped her? Sounds like the kind of place that would make you really happy.
i would estimate
you are very impressed with the war/trade efforts of this sexual country as well.
much the same as a roman or babylonian would be.
~but...you ever get the feeling something isn't right in the world?
like...maybe...any moment...it could roll right over top of you?
crushing your aspirations and faith in the material world of material girls and fantasy?
Our war/trade efforts have made us the envy of the world, and the safest, freest, most desired place to live on earth . That speaks for itself.
Yes, I agree - something isn't right in the world. That something is religious zealots like you who burn people alive, beat wives and children, stone so called sinners, hang so called witches, and murder and rape women in the name of religion, and your religion is the most guilty of all.
If you can't see that, you are the one living in a fantasy.
have you been watching the coverage of the war?
or just comedy central all this time?
produces such clever idiots doesn't it~ hand crafted
The few seniors I know of living together are doing it so that one can keep collecting alimony or a survivor's pension. Remarrying means they will lose that monthly income.
Living together with kids doesn't offer any more benefits than getting married. The family law courts can't help you sort out property rights if you're not married. You'll end up with one case involving children's issues and a civil case to sort out division of joint assets. There's really nothing that you can't sort out in a prenup if you need to protect assets.
I disagree-my brother in law and girlfriend have been cohabitating for 20+ years. Their children go to private schools on a scholarship since she is a "single" mom. She takes the tax breaks for child care etc. as a single parent since they file separately. They live together but share no property.
Sadly my husband and I are married and own property together so we can't pull this scam. Our kids go to public schools and we pay our taxes. We sleep well knowing we are doing the right thing.
In the few cases I am personally aware of, the choice to live together without marriage in senior relationships boils down, simply, to companionship. I say, why not?
"They took care of one Husband".........Once again women are the superior gender and the poor males must hang around like a stray dog to get the scraps she leaves for him.
Never thought of it that way. In traditional marriages women are treated like free labor. Yes, they take care of a husband and a family. Even when they work outside the home they are still held responsible for all domestics work and chores. All the dirty, unpleasant tasks that no one wants to do. The comment "They took care of one husband....." indicates to me that they have been used by and taken advantage of enough for one lifetime and will not put themselves back in that situation.
Guess thats why I'm alone now.I was married for 38 years to same guy and loved it.I took care of him when he was ill for 18 months and would do it again in a minute.If we lived together would we have been together that many years?Probably not.If a problem was ones problem; it became both problems to be solved together.I'd hate to think of living with someone being afraid if a problem came up one of them could run.To each his own; might be right for some and not others.Its left up to people and what they want and I don't want to pass judgement on anyone.
I can't put my finger on it, but there is something very strange about grandpa and his main squeeze shacking up together. The images are too much to take.
I'm not sure why the images of grandpa and his "main squeeze" living together unmarried is any different than the images of the couple living together married?
And I hate to inquire as to what your images are of. I think there is something very sweet and comforting when I see an elderly couple that clearly care for each other and show a great deal of devotion for each other.
When I see an elderly couple holding hands or helping one another down the street or eating dinner together at a restaurant, the last thing I wonder about is whether they are wearing wedding rings.
The less marriage, the better. Without marriage the lawyers are poorer - and that's a wonderful thing. Living together without being married, you could possibly be eligible for public assistance. The young mothers are well aware of the scam - including educational benefits. Completely broken system.
This in society should be called "Cheating With Benefits", because they don't get married, but like the young people testing the waters for marriage, they have already shacked up multiple times. So regardless of being young or old, good morals and remaining pure until the honeymoon night is too old fashioned for modern day folks.
It may be too old fashioned, but that's for a reason. It makes no sense to marry someone you really don't know, and until you live with them, you really don't know them! Sexual compatibility is extremely important to me, as it is for almost everyone, and there is only one way to find out if you are sexually compatible.
Many people are trapped in unhappy marriages, and live unhappy lives of quiet desperation, because of their silly, unfounded "morals". If a couple engages in a legal, consenting activity, and no one else is hurt, then, in my book, it isn't immoral.
Yup! In our 60's living together as companions....we have a joint account for paying bills, otherwise financials are separate. We have our separate vehicles,etc. Mostly as happy as anyone who is in a committed relationship can be.
As Sheldon Cooper in"The Big Bang Theory" says, paraphrased..."He's not my boyfriend. Yes, he's a "boy"..and yes, he's my friend, but he's not my "boyfriend""....LOL!
I am disgusted by people - not just a particular age group - who lack the backbone to live, morally. What kind of message are these people sending when they put money ahead of morals in deciding whether to santify their relationships.
And who are you to determine what "sanctifies" a relationship??? There was a time when couples lived together and raised children for years without the benefit of a "sanctified" relationship because there wasn't anyone around to do it!!! For those who believe in God, you should believe that God knows what's in your heart. And in today's society, you better be putting your financial well being on the front burner, because unlike times past, living with your children if you can't afford to live by yourself in your golden years, is not an absolute given!!
Koatz wrote:
I think that's when you make your relationship more like Santi Clause's.
You're probably one of those trapped in an unhappy marriage and an unhappy life by your stupid, unfounded, self imposed morals - and you are getting just what you deserve if you are. I don't need you, the government, or your unfounded, myth based "religion" to tell me who I love and am committed to. If there is a God, trust me, he knows.
Honestly, who are you - or any of us - to judge others for doing something that harms no one and affects you or me in any way whatsoever?
Live and let live.
I married at 18 and will celebrate my 40th wedding anniversary this year. Do I regret any of it...not at all!! My husband is still the love of my life, we have 2 wonderful children and 3 grandchildren. Would I marry again if my husband dies first?? Absolutely not!! I was rasied to be self-sufficient and independent and was lucky to meet someone who understood that and wasn't threatened by it. What are my chances of finding that again in my "later years"?? No, I'll be the stereotypical old lady with a cat!! LOL!! But IF I were lucky enough to meet someone else, I still wouldn't marry and lose what financial independence I may have. Live together or be a couple apart, makes no difference to me, but I won't marry again.
Isn't anyone concerned about their souls anymore?
Yes I am, right up there with being concerned about not being a burden on my children, and being able to live with dignity in my golden years!!
How many souls do you have, spudson?
I was married 17 years when I filed for divorce, and in a community property state, there are no winners in divorce. The worst of the split was being stuck with my ex-husbands substantial student loans, which he took out to complete his BA and part of his MA. I have a BBA and an MBA; which me and my employer paid for. I feel "this wife" took a huge beating in this divorce, since I will never see any future benefit of his earning potential for a degree I'm now paying for. I don't agree that all "husbands" get hosed in a divorce.............so much for being an educated woman!!!
Maybe it's just me, but why are folks over 50 "shacking up" while those under 50 are "living together"? Makes the older crowd sound like they're living in sin while the younger crowd is just sharing a home. I'm over 50 (wwaaaayyy over) and haven't heard "shacking up" in many many years.
Marriage is a business deal meant to merge wealthy families and all of their land and money and political influence. The idea of the engagement ring is from the old practice of the man's family paying the woman's for her. In biblical times it was sheep and jewelry (in Rebecca and Isaac's case). In Medieval times it was land and political influence. The Church gets into it as a further control over the lives of people. The sanctity of marriage is total crap. These were the same folks who said a man could beat his wife, rape his wife and leave her to die if he so chose. Spare me the religious bull. If two consenting adults want to live together and have a family, who cares? Hope they are happy--happy people make better people.
We live in a retirement community and there are some couples living together rather than marrying. This make perfect sense, financially, psychologically and keeps peace in the family when one partner dies. Neither is responsible for the other's medical bills, unpaid bills and other obligations to the other's family.
We're 53 and have been living together for 13 years. It's fun to know that we choose to be here every single day. There hasn't been a day that I wouldn't have chosen it. I had an interesting career when we met, but he has supported me as I have gradually retired so that I can spend more time caring for my adult disabled child. We have done all the things that we are legally allowed to do, for each others' financial security.
I keep up the house, car, yard and pets so that he can concentrate on writing books as well as his career. We bought a duplex and we use it like it's one big house.
If you have 2 "older" people with no dependents and both are financially stable on their own then I say "awesome", no real need to get hitched unless they plan to combine any significant assets. If one wants to leave money or other assets to the other if they die then they can put that in a will. Also, nothing wrong with getting married. I don't agree with younger, child bearing couples staying single. Get married. Also, single moms who plan it that way are borrowing trouble. Family is important...more important than alot of young folks think or admit to. If you grew up with little to no family then start a family of your own! You will see what you were missing and discover that you are no longer missing that aspect of your life.
Duh!!! For what purpose would a man over 50 marry a woman? To have children together? This would only make sense if the woman were in her 20's or early 30's.
Older women bring lots of baggage to a relationship, such as, icons from previous marriages, unemployed, slim or no retirement funds, empty bank account, grumpy behavior, and usually a big chip on their shoulder. What man wants this for the rest of his life?
It's usually the older one's church or children who thumb their noses up on two older people living together without benefit of marriage. It's this "moral majority" view of life that is self-serving, sinister, and despicable.
Archaic family values don't necessarily apply to all the elderly people. They had to put up with this non-sense while they were young whether they wanted to or not as society's child. Now that they are older, wiser, and know better, they can live life as they want, not as Politically Correct society dictates.
Wow T. Bill, you think people over 50 are elderly? Think again. I have plenty of money and am still working every day, thank you very much. We both have previous marriages but there was more baggage on his side than mine, because he was a battered husband. I haven't given him a bit of trouble and I don't think we've had a single argument in 13 years because we are mature enough to be able to disagree without freaking out. So keep your prejudices to yourself. I won't be around to read responses btw. It's our day off and we have a little romp planned that's going to take us all afternoon.
Golly T Bill, what a narrow minded view to think that a man over 50 would want to have children as a reason to marry - as if that was the only reason. And why would you think that it's the woman who would bring "lots of baggage" into a relationship? And all that other stuff - slim to no funds, etc. My, what a narrow, narrow minded view!
Newflash for you Bill: All people have "baggage"; people over 50 marry for other reasons and procreation is hardly a major consideration, especially for those of us who had vasectomies/tubal ligations. Men are just a likely to have depleted bank accounts/savings and women are just as likely to be flush with money. I can assure you that my own experience attests my alternate view.