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Subscribe to RSSYour abusive boss’s blow-ups may be doing more than just making you miserable. They may also be ruining your marriage, a new study shows.
We all like to think we can leave the tantrums and rude comments of bad supervisors behind when we close the office door and head home. But researchers now say that the fallout from all that nastiness can insidiously chip away at our marriages and harm our home life.
“It spills over and affects our families,” said the study’s lead author Dawn Carlson, a professor of management and the H.R. Gibson Chair of Organizational Development at the Hankamer School of Business at Baylor University. “It translates into tensions with your spouse. And that leads to poor family functioning.”
To get a handle on how bad bosses affect families Carlson and her colleagues surveyed 280 full-time employees and their spouses.
Participants were asked how often their supervisors behaved in ways such as “Tells me my thoughts or feelings are stupid,” "Expresses anger at me when he/she is mad for another reason,” “Puts me down in front of others,” and “Tells me I’m incompetent.”
The researchers then asked participants to rate a series of statements from one to five according to how applicable they were. Included in the questionnaire were statements such as, “When I get home I am often too frazzled to participate in family activities/responsibilities.”
The researchers decided to dig a little deeper by questioning spouses about their marital relationships and the inner workings of the family.
Spouses were asked, for example, how often during the past month they felt “irritated or resentful about things your (husband/wife/partner) did or didn’t do” or felt “tense from fighting arguing or disagreeing with your (husband/wife/partner)."
They were also asked to rate on a scale of one to five how well statements such as the following fit their family: “Our family can express feelings to each other,” “Our family is able to make decisions about how to solve problems” and "Our family confides in each other.”
While the employees with bad bosses didn’t report problems with their families, their spouses often did. Bad bosses led to more blow-ups between husbands and wives and to families that didn’t communicate well and weren’t close.
What’s happening, Carlson said, is that employees think they’re leaving their problems behind in the office, but they’re really just playing them out at home.
“They come home grouchy, tense and irritable and that makes them more likely to start an argument,” she explained. “And when Mom and Dad are fighting that makes for more tension in the family.”
What workers have to understand is that a bad job situation isn’t just hurting them, it’s harming their families, too.
There’s a tendency for people to think they can tough it out for the sake of the family, Carlson said. But this study, she said, “shows the importance of trying to remove yourself from a situation like this because it’s not just hurting you, it’s hurting your wife and your kids.”
With the bad economy that can be a tough message for people to hear, Carlson said. “I’m not saying this from an ivory tower,” she added. “I know it’s not easy. But it’s imperative that you try to get assistance, whether it’s from inside the organization or without.”
Linda Carroll is a regular contributor to msnbc.com and TODAY.com. She is co-author of the new book "The Concussion Crisis: Anatomy of a Silent Epidemic.”
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They had to waste money for this "research?" DUH. You're damn right a boss, a company's absurd policies, double-standards....will drive someone nuts. It did me.
The cure for your average bad boss is pretty simple. It involves darkness, isolation, and a Louisville Slugger. Problem solved. If it's too much trouble, a skilled professional can be engaged for a modest fee.
While I agree this is little more than common sense, I'd hardly call it a 'study'. What can really be taken into account? There may be some problems at home already not disclosed, the job or type of work itself may come into play, as someone dissatisfied with what they're currently having to do or have had for years is playing into work problems. There may be constant fatigue anyways, guilt on behalf of the one being berrated by the boss, the list can go on....
Not all is admitted to, not all known.... even the other spouse in question may not know all going on and why, so in some instances it may be easier to go off about 'my boss....' rather than admit inadequacies or fault; perhaps not even admitting it to themselves.
Surely, there are bad bosses.... I've been around the block a few times, differed working fields as well. Just have to say, it's kinda sad that money was paid for this 'study'....
The terms 'research' and 'study' mean this is likely a peer reviewed work. That means the researchers checked the same things you were concerned about...this is just an abreviated synopsis of the results. I'm guessing they did statistical analysis. Before you diss this kind of work, you might take the time to actually look up the study itself.
I would like to see an alternate study of how bad bosses wreck businesses. One of my husband's former employers has been going steadily down hill over the last several years. The higher they promote one boss the worse it gets. Their most valued employees keep leaving because they can't stand the guy. Back when my husband first started there the employees loved the place and most couldn't imagine wanting to work anywhere else. Now it's a place where people loathe going to work and most are looking for jobs with other companies. Years ago people got a job there and stayed. Now most of their employees have worked there 2 years or less. When we see other people that used to work there they almost always start swapping stories about the bad boss and talk about how glad they are that they got away from him. I know the economy is bad but I can't help but think that the company would be in better shape if they had gotten rid of that guy a long time ago. As it is now they are on the verge of closing the doors for good. I don't think that bad boss cares though because he is close to retiring now. It's really a shame.
There's a solution for this bull...retire..I did. the incompetent butt kissers are the ones that rise to management. It's funny how the ones that know you can see through their bulls**t avoid you like the plague and do anything in their power to make sure you look bad to make themselves look good. I would call them little men and women but calling them men and women is giving them too much credit. Small people yes...
Bad bosses take a toll but working the night shift is a real family wrecker.
You ain't kidding! 6 years of it almost did for me. I kinda liked it. Family hated. Having to tiptoe around all day while you try to get some sleep gets old fast.
I did it for 12 years. Nobody really understood why I was so cranky or irritable or why I had to sleep during the day.
Many people who suffer when they have an abusive boss will absorb the pain at work and when they get home they will kick the dog or their spouse to release their emotions. These people are mentally unstable and need help.
Went through this kind of garbage for over a year with a new supervisor who was dishonest, often lied to me and really wasn't particularly skilled or competent. Yes it affected all parts of my life. That seems obvious. How could it not? I was fortunate enough to be able to retire, so I did. What a blessing. Good riddens. I wouldn't wish such a situation on anybody.
that's cause YOU let them get to you.....nothing is someone elses fault when YOU let it affect you
Keith, get off your high horse. Sometimes there is nothing you can do about it right away.
I had a terrible boss before I changed jobs. She was incompetent, demeaning, hypocritical, underhanded and mean. Of course, I spoke to someone in management about it. She didn't really want to hear it. So, I started documenting everything. Every email. Every voicemail. Every bad meeting. EVERYTHING. Finally, I got a new job opportunity and, when all four senior managers had a sit down with me at my exit interview, I gave them the packet of stuff. Most were shocked. I didn't really care.
But, despite the fact that I had proof, they kept her on board anyway (although they took away her direct supervising responsibilities). It seems she had one of the largest clients in her pocket and they were scared to let her go.
This woman chased out 5 middle managers, one VP and an entry-level hire in the months after I left and she still works there.
Sometimes, you can't take action until you find something else and that is obviously dependent on influences outside of your control.
Ditto that PH-3046605
@PH
I wonder how much money is lost because corporations choose to keep 'toxic employees' and watch helplessly as management 'walks' because the toxic employee has a major client 'wrapped around their finger'...
keith -- understand your comment and agree but only to an extent; simplistic approaches like "nothing is someone elses fault when YOU let it affect you" don't take all situations, or reality, into consideration. If someone you don't know/don't particularly care about puts you down, you're right -- who cares what they think, so don't get upset.
It's different with someone you love or who has some power over you like a boss. When a spouse or boss is demeaning, sometimes it's because that person is having a bad day so you blow it off. But if you think they mean it and not due to a bad day, it will get to you. Not that it has to shake your self-confidence, but you care what they think, and it hurts. And most therapists I know agree that the whole "it's on you if it gets to you" is right when it's occasional but it's a different story when it's on a regular basis. That's a form of mental abuse and therapists agree that it understandably can and does impact people negatively; most therapists will try to teach coping mechanisms or advise their clients to get out of the situation if that's the case.
@ethel - I would love to know that number. It's gotta be huge. I'd also love to know how many office bullies are created by office bullies. My former boss bullied everyone, including entry-level talent, thus teaching poor behavior to impressionable young employees. Terrible, viscous cycle.
keith,
Yes, it is your fault when you let somebody's bad behavior get to you. But the fact is that your boss can make your life a living hell. For example: I was once ordered by my boss to perform a task requiring coverage 24 hours a day for 4 days straight on my own. I was not given any help despite my objections, not given overtime pay or shift differential, and not given any extra days off. If you think that disappearing for 4 days straight didn't impact my family, you have to be naive.
A solution would be to become self-employed, then you can become the mean, miserable boss.......never judge someone til you walk a mile in their moccasins....
Keith needs to be caught between economic necessity and an abusive boss; with no other job opportunities available. And then be told to just suck it up when it finally wears down his ability to deal civilly with it.
I have had several experiences with bad bosses. Sometimes it was feasible to walk away, other times not. But the minute it was possible I got out, with another job or without. On one occasion, I was able to leave corporate an earful. He kept his job, at least for a while, but the illegal stuff stopped, and I got back overtime for my former co-workers. I had to work temp for a few months, but it was worth it. At that time, I had no dependents and some money in the bank, so I ditched. On other occasions, I had to stick it out for financial reasons, and it really did take a toll, not just on family, but on my work.
I plan never to work for anyone else ever again. I am a far better employer than anyone I ever worked for, as my son's daycare provider could verify. She got annual raises, vacation pay, and because she was so reliable, I never docked her a day's pay when she needed a day off. I was the only client who ever did this. I even drafted a contract for her to use with new clients.
Frankly, the vaunted efficiency of American business is a joke. I have worked for several large companies, and not one was run very well. Most of them are still around, but not because of smart management, mostly because the competition is not run any better. The increasing tendency to micromanage is destructive to employee morale and ability, and tends to erode customer service, something which is already a problem.
I'm not sure why anyone wants to work in that corporate rat race. The money is just not worth it. There are better ways to make a buck if you have a brain.
And this is exactly why 'sexual' has no place in 'harassment'. Either you are being treated with respect by your boss or he/she should be subject to criminal prosecution. The company president and all layers of management below him should also be held responsible. There should also be fines, that would pay for counseling of the employee after harassment. Isolating sexual harassment sends the wrong message, no harassment whatsoever should be permitted. We are mistreated enough by the rich, with low pay and bad working conditions. Having to put up with managers they pick without regard to their character should be stopped.
Let's just make everything illegal. That'll solve things. Send them all to prison. When the prisons are full we'll build more.
yeah its called your boss bangin your wife when you come home all pissed off and take it out on the wife, so she goes to get some from him instead
If that's the case, Keith, you got the wrong job from someone you shouldn't be working for AND you married the wrong person-that would tend to make it your fault if your marriage is suffering. If you think there's something even slightly wrong in how your boss might be treating you and you can't work it out, you need to find someone else to sign your paychecks.
Keith obviously has yet to work for a living.
Unless he's one of those bad bosses out displaying the behavior the article is about.
To everyone responding to this person, don't feed the trolls
So you finally found a job, have a bad boss, and are now advised to "remove yourself from the situation". Please write articles that make more sense in these economic times.
" when Mom and Dad are fighting that makes for more tension in the family."
No sh*t.
I wonder how much this stupid study cost.
I totally agree with " Mymommiedidnotraiseafool". I have had highly abusive bosses dealt with before and I WILL do it again. Any boss that thinks he/she will get away with all that abusive crap today is dreaming. Most of the bosses I dealt with totally feared for their lives and when they showed up at work all beat up and bandaged, they lost ALL respect for the people working for them and were driven out by pure hatred and constant "FILED" complaints to corporate. Hey, all you bosses left out there in position; take note! I am going to destroy your career.
Yeah, as far as shift work...try 17 years of 12 hour shifts....every two months switching from days to nights just when your "system" starts to level out. I was so screwed up I didn't know when to eat, sleep, or have a freaking bowel movement!
Then throw in the stupid, "games" people play, the double standards due to political correctness that went down in the work place....the "higher-ups" SCREWING UP...and passing the proverbial buck down to subordinates....(I always thought the the buck stopped at the top but I guess in the real world sewage only flows downhill. Yup, though I was forced into much-to-early retirement and now am barely hanging on...physically and mentally I'm in better health.
I think we used to work at the same place. Or at least it's a story I am intimately familiar with.
Try working for a husband/wife set of bosses, theyre both your boss, they dont communicate between themselves, they give you conflicting orders, they bring their personal fights to the office, and the entire office suffers from their daily mood swings. Im not going to name any names.
Jeff & Susan Young, 1841 Business Park Drive Clarksville TN 37040.
See my other comment for help.
Amen, TruthEffect. That is why people also shouldn't work for family, because then if you're in the younger generation, you're expected to tolerate the total professional degradation.
Don't recognize the names, recognize the situation. And then you get caught in the I'm not talking to Mommy, go tell her...
There's a big difference between a "boss" and a leader.
Well said. That's the issue in a nutshell.
I have a great job now. So glad I killed my last boss. No one even suspected me. A tiny bit of poison in their coffee mug EVERY DAY does the trick.
More details Sam. That's much more sensible than quiting. We're just thinking too small.
I endured 2 years of public humiliation, underhandedness and my boss persuing a sexual relationship with my coworker before I left after 28 years of employment. The company knew about all about the behavior, which is why I did not receive an exit interview. I was fortunate to have a partner who listened and encouraged me to seek employment elsewhere. An opportunity came along and I jumped at the chance to leave. This post is an encouragement to my Facebook friends to make a change if you are not happy!
Wow, why waste the money on a study when you learn about this exact thing in Psychology 101? Can't recall the technical name, but same thing.
Man has a bad day at work, goes home to yell at the wife, who yells at the kids, who kick the dog. Even Family Guy did a sketch on it (Quagmire crash-landing a plane... bunnies ensue).
Transference
In this economy having a boss is a great thing. What I can't believe is that companies run by PHDs can have some really inept supervisors. Firmness in management is a quality. Abusiveness is the mark of the incompetent manager. I watched a lineotype operator, (No, that doesn't date me much, does it?) knock his boss out one day. he went upstairs to quit and came back down and did it again. Talk about disgruntled employees. I don't expect people to love me but I expect that if I am doing my job that they would recomend me as a boss. Before I would let a job endanger my marriage I would be sending out resumes. I may not find a job but it makes a statement that you are unhappy.
My sister-in-law was working for one of the biggest companies in the nation as a sales rep. She was salesperson of the month and year often. She was recruited by other companies monthly. She doubled sales targets in some months and has a scrapbook of atta-girl messages from the president of the company. They gave her a new supervisor and she was gone in a year. He didn't know the product but had an MBA. I read some of his Emails and I would have punched his lights out. I sold my stock in the company just before it dropped nine percent. Was that insider trading, to know that the company has been invaded by idiots? What do they teach in these schools?
When they abusively put you out of business, you put THEM out of business. Done it several times to these wicked bully jerks. I'm pretty sure many bosses get that way from doing cocaine. They downright pull this bs from their imaginations. I see it as a cry for help that they need to be booted from their positions, especially when you know you've done nothing wrong.
Not only is it the Boss which makes you crazy, but if you are the boss dealing with moronic underlings.... that can have the same effect.
Having sex for promotions may be ruining your marriage!
Hahahaha
I am about to give notice due to health reasons. Went to son's graduation and he told me if I was that in poor health, I should have not gone. Your talking family here, come hell or high water I was not going to miss it. Even if they had to put me in a wheel chair, I was going.
First we have the "Party of NO", now we have the nation of "WAH!"
Jr, that's a sad take on an admittedly shallow glimpse into complexity. Familial destruction by external stress is not a simple topic.
Sure enough, there's generally a lot of crying involved.
If you haven't noticed, there are a lot of really ugly things going on in this country at present.
Many people have lost their homes, their jobs, their families, even their very lives to economic collapse.
Only the last group has nothing to cry about.
You seem to be suggesting that we should all shut the hell up until we die in the traces instead of pointing it out and fighting back while we can.
What the hell is up with that?
If you let them call you those things, either you are what he says you are or you don't have the balls to walk away, even if you say you like the job etc there is no such thing that you cannot walk away. You must understand that the bosses are also measured by their retention rate, if all his subordinates are quitting, he would also stand like a sore thumb among his peers at his review. Now, if he doesnt care if you quit and none of his peers or bosses care either, you're probably gonna get it anyway at the next round of you know what. And if you're working for the top dog so he has no peers to hold him accountable, I guess you should take it if you think it's worth it.
My husband sent me this article because we went through this very thing three years ago. He was so irritable and we fought over almost everything, or so it seemed, until the day he realized what was happening. We were like instant friends again, truly amazing. Though, then we were just united over how awful his boss was, which was better because we were a team, but its like being on a team against evil, you don't want to be playing that game at all. Fortunately, he was able to get a new job a few months later.
I'd much rather have a boring job with a good boss than my dream job with the boss from hell.
Ain't no boss ever coming between me and my baby! Only a wus would let his or her boss come between them and their wife or lover. This is a really goofy article. Geaux Saints!